I didn’t jump on the meal train. Every time I opened my email that subject line nagged at me.
She had recently given birth. No family close by. Certainly she was worthy of a casserole or at least a big pot of spaghetti. I know how much a warm dish on a night when you have nothing left can comfort a tired soul. Finally, the guilt that I wasn’t being a good servant and neighbor overwhelmed me. I opened the email and scrolled down, clicking on the link to add my name and chosen dish.
But my fingers rested on the keys and I felt a pause in my spirit. I didn’t have time for this. My own kids were coming in every few minutes asking what we were having for dinner. One that I hadn’t even begun thinking about.
This was beyond juggling. When was the last time I cooked a decent meal for my kids? 
Stepping back, I tried to figure out where this feeling of guilt was coming from.
This is the moment I’ve taught myself to take. The moment where I weigh whether I can commit or not. Because it’s all good stuff.
I can easily say no to time wasted watching mindless television, shopping, or sailing the pages of Pinterest in pursuit of my dream kitchen or smoky eye tutorial. What I struggle with is prioritizing the good stuff.
Time spent investing into friendships online and off.
Time spent serving by bringing meals, volunteering, or helping a friend out.
Time spent exploring books with my kids even as my eyes droop low and tired.
Time spent holding my husband’s hand and sitting through that movie even though I’d rather be reading or writing.
Time spent in solitude, soul spread wide open to God, still and waiting.
Time spent moving this body although lumbering and awkward till the blood floods my face and my heart thuds happily.
Time spent with my head stuffed deep into the pages of a novel, a history, a book of theology, or a memoir soaking in the goodness of God’s truth, evident anywhere beauty dwells.
Time following the steps of this God sized dream, time writing.
Time spent investing my voice in things I’m passionate about.
All these good things. And I always have the best intentions. The desire to do it all.
But I can’t and the things I drop, thud to the ground viciously and I never want my children to be broken by my clumsiness. And how easy they bruise when I think I can serve everyone else. I never want to lose hold of my marriage or my God in the doing of good things.
So I need this. This moment to stop and push back on the expectations of a good Christian woman.
I don’t serve in children’s ministry at my church even though they could use the help. I don’t bake casseroles for everyone and I didn’t add my name to the list.
I don’t sign up for every good thing. And some may think this is selfish. That I am not sacrificing enough or serving enough. And that’s a hard place to be for a good Christian woman.
We judge by deeds and service. We all do. But I know that these moments are between God and I. I know God knows my heart and I only answer to him for my time spent and my deeds done.
It’s easier to be Martha, flustered in the kitchen preparing and serving in the most obvious way. A good hostess showering her esteemed guests with hospitality. A good thing.
And if I’d been in that kitchen and seen Mary plopped down at the feet of Jesus, I probably would’ve wondered why she wasn’t serving God. After all, the rest of us signed up for the meal train or as Sunday school helper.
So, I say no sometimes. It hasn’t really gotten easier.
I still feel the need to explain when my name is absent from the roster. I often feel the urge to account for my time and make sure the things I do are factored into my absence. But that’s just my pride and it can always use a good smoosh. So I push it down, and go on with my life one decision at a time, hoping that in that margin, God will lead me into all His good things.
This week Holley challenged us to think in terms of what we need to give up or say no to in order to pursue our God sized dreams. Are there good things you’ve needed to step back from in order to pursue what God has called you to? Share in the comments or link up your own God sized dream post over at Holley Gerth’s blog.
Oh I relate to this post so much. I dislike saying no, I am a new Christian, new to Church and new to serving in an expected to do so sense. I was recently asked to volunteer and wasnt given a chance to say no that I wasnt ready and neither was my son and I suffered quite a bit of turmoil over it and so did my son, I felt like God was saying it wasnt the right time, but even He gets overrode sometimes in the name of expected service. I am going to make myself say no next time for the sake of my family. Thank you for helping with my courage to serve God above all. Have a blessed day. Tara (The Proverbs 31 Sanctuary)
Yes, I think it’s a hard aspect of church and service. There are jobs that need to be filled, work that needs to be done and so it can be easy for church to just try to fill holes. And I totally believe that the life of a believer involves sacrifices and service but one clear way to tell if you’re being managed (intentionally or unintentionally) in church is if you get your marching orders from God or if you get your marching orders from the pastor/leadership. We need to be in submission to God’s authority and that can come from wise leaders but you should never feel forced to do anything you do’t feel ready for or that you feel God isn’t giving you a peace about. I’m glad you[re seeing that sometimes you have every right and should say no.
Oh, Alia. I struggle with this all. the. time. Thankfully, my husband cares less about what people think than I do, so now I always say “I’ll get back with you” and then come home and think about it and run it by Brian. He’s much quicker to see when I’ve over-committed than I am.
You are so right, though. We have to say no to some things or our family will get the raw end. (And I don’t do children’s ministry or music ministry in my church right now either. And for someone who grew up in ministry, that wasn’t an easy decision…)
Johanna Hanson recently posted..Why sharing how you are changing is good for your children
Yes, I think that’s the hardest thing. When you feel totally on the spot and you feel you have to give an answer right away. I do that too and I run things by “my people” to see if it will work in our life. My husband has told me things probably aren’t a good idea and the times I’ve done them anyway thinking I could just fit them in have been horrible and overwhelming.
I used to get upset that I wasn’t doing more ministry work while raising the children. My husband so wisely said, “Darby, if we do our job right with our own children- they will touch more people for Christ than you or I ever will.” That was what I needed to hear in order to ease my guilt about saying no to ministries or service that sacrificed my own family’s time or needs. While service is good- there are different seasons of a family that make it more difficult at times. Thank you for this post!
Your husband sounds like a wise man. We have a limited amount of time with our kids and it’s easy to get bogged down with the idea of doing more and there is so much mommy guilt associated with it all. And there are different seasons. Moms with little kids or even older kids are going to have a different amount of margin in their lives than empty nesters or singles. We all need to be asking God what He wants us to do and not worrying so much about what we think we’re supposed to do. Thanks for commenting and for visiting here.
Oh friend. How I love your heart. I had a conversation with a friend recently in which she shared about what God was doing in her heart. She started off with an apology she offered to someone that went something like this…I ‘m sorry that I couldn’t do that too, but it takes away from my family and what I am called to do. I immediately stopped her right there and said…please stop apologizing for walking in the yeses He has called you to and get comfortable in saying no without the sorrys. I know it’s hard, but I look at it this way…when I am walking in the yes places God has called me to, I am also giving someone else to walk in theirs (the places I say no to). If I say yes to fill a space, then I am taking away someone else’s opportunity to glorify Him with their gifts. So today saying no comes a little easier for this people pleaser. Love you much.
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So true, Wendy. What is that fear anyway expect our own need to be liked and accepted and seen as worthy. I love how you talk about taking someone else’s spot by doing something we were never called to do. I think that’s a really interesting way of looking at it. Love you too!
You go girl!!!!! I feel like I am put on a guilt trip or pressured sometimes and I usually give in. I get the God will bless you if you do this, but if I say no, then I wish they would leave me alone!:) Love this
Be blessed:)
It’s like bribery sometimes. God will bless you if you…. and then you feel pushed into doing something. I do believe God blesses us when we serve and make sacrifices but that also looks different in each person’s life and during different seasons. I’ve seen lots of icky stuff happen in church, people pressured to be in ministry because we need that spot filled. People who should not have been leading at all and just needed to be there and heal. But you’re doing the right thing stepping back and letting your decisions come from God’s voice and not just everyone elses. If you feel badgered after you say “no” I would tell them, “Thank you for considering me for this opportunity but I’ve ran it by God and don’t feel like He is asking me to do this right now so I’m sure He’ll be providing someone else who He is calling to fill this need. ” mmmkay Thanks.
I have been one of those people who enjoy making food for people who need it in our church. I do on occasion still do it. Sometimes scheduling gets in the way. So I’ve not done it lately. I’ve been known to give a big bag of homemade cookies in with a baby shower gift and they love it! I’m always making cookies here, even only 3 of us. You are in a different season of life. If you wish to help out in ministry later, when the children are older or gone from home, that’s a possibility. It’s how God touches your heart to serve. Be the Godly wife to your husband and a Godly mom for your children right now. That’s important. Take care!
Becky L recently posted..All the Trees are Gone!
Thanks Becky. I think you hit the nerve right there. How God touches your heart to serve. I have friends who love to cook and always bring gorgeous meals to people. And I’ve done it too sometimes. And sometimes I say no. I think we all need to be asking God how and where he wants us to be serving and it doesn’t excuse us from our part, it just means we need to seek God to find out what our part should look like. I agree that in this season it looks one way for me, but another season of life I may be baking up a storm or sending casseroles out like Marie Callendar!
Loved this. I’ve had to learn to say no because of my chronic illness & the limitations that places on my energy. But like you say, it never really gets easier. I still feel like I have to defend myself for not volunteering. I think we place such high expectations on OURSELVES, and then waste time feeling guilty when we don’t meet those expectations – when God is waiting with grace for us to be content with our limitations, and He is lovingly searching our heart rather than watching our level of participation. I’m not saying we can be selfish. True love involves sacrificing for the benefit of others. But we don’t need to do any more than what GOD calls us to do, no matter how much other women seem to be doing (and who knows, maybe we’re seeing THEIR involvement all wrong!).
Yes, I’ve struggled with ill health for years off and on and it does force you to reevaluate what you can reasonably do. I’m sorry you feel you have to defend yourself. I’ve realized that there are many ways in which we judge others and ourselves that have nothing to do with the way God sees us. We need to learn to rest AND be motivated by grace. Such a hard place to be. Thanks for sharing a bit of your story and experience here.
I have had to defend myself to a close family member- the reason why I won’t always send cards for every holiday. I believe so strongly that God has made us unique for a reason!!! If we are not using our gifts for His glory, then we do need to question our service to Him. But when writing IS your gift then you are not being faithful to Him if you are doing every other bit of service that is expected- even by well meaning people. I happen to love baking and cooking and so when I am able to, I will sign up. BUT please don’t ask me to do the card ministry!!!
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That’s the worst! Well, I’ll do the cards and you do the cooking and we’d be a great team. Give me a note to say or an envelope to stuff any day. lol It’s good you’ve realized what you’re called to do and that you’re walking in those giftings as you honor and glorify God.
I relate to this so much. Thank you for being open and honest. There have been several times I sign up for bringing a new mom a dinner, or committing to serve in a new ministry, and I really shouldn’t. I don’t know where we bought the lie that we have to do all the good things all the time, at the expense of the rest of our life.
<3
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Thanks Brittany, I’m glad you could relate and found comfort that indeed, I am NOT doing all the good things all of the time. I think we all need to be reminded of that because the times I know I’m not supposed to and sign up anyway have never worked out great. Usually, it’s my kids who get the raw deal and I hate that and I know God isn’t pleased with dropping one calling to rush off to do some good somewhere else. Thanks for your comment, I appreciate it.
Oh, my… My first thought was “every need is not my need to fill”. I’ve lived under the guilt of doing most of my Christian life. What I found was the doing became my idol, steering my eyes off HIM and grace. Thank you for living real! I appreciate you and value you!
Stefanie Brown recently posted..God-Sized Dreams :: No More Delay…
The doing became an idol. Yes, I can see times in my life where I did and thought that was enough, all the while losing sight of Him. Such a good reminder, Stefanie, of what needs to come first. Thanks friend.
I am thrilled to help share this message, what courage to write down with transparency what every woman needs to hear. Great article
Thanks Christa. As always, I’m writing to myself as well. It’s a hard thing to learn to say no and go on without the guilt.
Saying no to the good in order to make room for the best is one of the hardest lessons I have (and continue) to learn. I was first convinced that God would bless my no’s when I stepped down from teaching a 1st grade Sunday school class. A new church member stepped in to the position and I have enjoyed so much watching both her and the kids grow in their faith. At the same time I was able to prepare for my next ‘assignment’ from God.