My fists are clenched. My first reaction, to rip the door open and release a torrent of verbal assault on these kids, is tempered by the fact that I am in fact an adult and a professing Christian. The neighbor boys, small and innocent looking, not much bigger than Kaia, stand on my doorstep. I tell them to leave, that Judah will not come out to ‘play,’ and that if they continue to come around, I will speak to their parents. For all the good that will do. I’ve heard these kids rant and scream with absolute disrespect and disdain while their father tries without success to wrangle them in before finally giving in and allowing them to continue whatever mayhem they have conspired. This is not the first time I’ve told them to leave or scolded them, to no avail.
They are bullies. They taunt and tease and mock and in some part of my mama heart, I despise them for hurting my children, even though I know it’s wrong.
The doorbell rings and when my kids come to answer they are conspicuously absent. And that would be mildly annoying at best. Kid stuff.
But it has gone further than that.
They have invited my son out to play only to taunt him and call him fatty.They’ve shouted out insults to my seven-year-old daughter. When Judah’s had friends over, those boys have thrown small stones from the corner lot treehouse. Which in my mind is ridiculous, their bravado a formula for future trouble. Some day they are going to pick on the wrong person and pay for it.
Judah is a big kid and his friends are more man-boy than child. If he truly wanted to get back at them, his sheer size and strength would be greatly in his favor. But they have realized that my son won’t do anything in retaliation and their tentative teasing has turned more ferocious and brutal each time. My boy has come home, angry and trying to conceal his hurt. He’s controlled his rage and turned away. And I’m proud of him. He practiced self-control and humility.
When I was in 3rd grade, I didn’t practice that kind of restraint. My bully was a small runty sort of kid with bright orange hair and a smattering of freckles. He would tug at the corners of his eyes until they resembles gruesome slits and in a sing-song voice say,”ching chong China girl, China girl,” in an exaggerated Chinese accent.
I did what came naturally, I punched him as hard as I could in his stomach. He threw up a pile of Vanilla Wafers, warm and gooey in the middle of the playground, as he clutched at his stomach and cried. I felt vindicated. He never picked on me again.
In retrospect, the whole scenario is absurd.
First, I am not Chinese at all. I am half Japanese-Korean.
Second, I don’t know why being Chinese would be a bad thing.
Third, looking back I think he might have had a crush on me, I cured that with the assault.
And although it was wrong to go all Kung-Fu on my bully, a part of me wants to feel that vindication for my child. I know we are to love our enemies, to pray for those who persecute us. And I do believe we are called to that as followers of Christ who have been much forgiven. But the emotions.
I ache with the pain and fury of a mother whose child has been hurt. And I realize this is how God feels when we are hurt. Yes, He is grace, and love, and mercy, but He is also justice, and vengeance, and Holiness.
When we are wronged, when injustice seems to prevail and we wait in the throes of this broken world with bullies, and abusers, and villains. When we hear of things that should not be so. But are. He feels the pain and fury just as I do for my child.
And I realize that He is in this with us. His father heart feeling our pain and anguish and a time when he will right it all. When He will speak and it will be settled. Until then, He pulls us close, tight to his beating chest and wraps us in His gentle care. Soothing with words that heal, allowing us to vent the anger and hurt into His ear, which hears and understands, just like a mama heart.
Have you ever had to deal with bullies in your child’s life? Or your own? How did you handle it? What do you think is the most important thing to tell your child when dealing with a bully? Do you believe there is ever a time when it is ok to retaliate or defend yourself or is peace and forgiveness always the right thing? I’ve wrestled with these thoughts throughout my life and especially as a mother. What do you think?
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We’ve dealt with a couple bullies, but not as bad as yours. We have talked with the bully and sometimes the parents. We sometimes only allow supervised play with certain children. I wonder if just having one of the boys over at a time would stop the bullying?
My advice is to pray for that bully with your child(and on your own). Ultimately what that child needs is salvation, just like the rest of us.
Our family tries to stick to the peacemaker ministry principles. Which has helped restore and build relationships. http://www.peacemaker.net/site/c.aqKFLTOBIpH/b.958149/k.303A/The_Four_Gs.htm
I would also recommend taking a look at their books.
There is definitely a time to defend, protect, and seek justice.
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Thanks Paula, I’ve actually been meaning to read that, it’s on my long list. God actually answered my prayers in regards to this and the family ended up moving so my kids haven’t had to deal with it lately. We do pray in these situations and I hope that they come to repentance and salvation. As a mom, it’s a hard balance between peace and justice.
Oh wow… this is one of my deepest fears as a parent.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this!
It is awful!
But you are bravely clinging to Him, who loves your children even more than you, and trusting Him for the wisdom to handle the situation.
I will be praying, friend!
*hugs*
Thanks Meredith. The kids actually moved last week so it’s been peaceful around here when the kids go out to play. I know this is not the only situation where this has happened but we are navigating these issues together. Thanks for the prayers, friend.
Some food for thought on ANOTHER way of looking at this issue:
What about how God tells us to “speak the truth in love” (Eph 4:15)? Or that we are in a very real battle that requires armor, specifically the belt of truth and the sword of the Spirit, being fully stocked up in the prayer department (Eph 6:10-20)? And what about our job to “teach young men to be self-controlled,” etc (Titus 2:7-8)? And what about our mandate to “hate evil, love good, and maintain justice” (Amos 5:15)? Or our commission to “administer true justice” (Zech 7:9)? And what if, in a situation like this, our very own children are “the oppressed” or “poor”… are we not very blatantly told not to “deny justice to your poor” (Ex 23:6) and to “care about justice for the poor” (Prov 29:7)? And what about the famous passage in Isaiah 61:1-3 in which the great prophet says that “The Spirit if the Lord is upon me, because He has anointed me to… proclaim… bind up… release…”? Don’t we all read that passage and believe that God has anointed US, too, to be His hands of mercy and justice and love and freedom to the world? If not us, then who? If the righteous are not supposed to speak up for the poor and broken and oppressed (which I fully believe applies to my children when they have been wounded by others like this)… then who the heck is going to stand up for what’s right? Even Jesus “lost his cool” when He saw that His father was being disrespected in the temple (Mt 21:12-13). And He scolded the Pharisees for “neglecting justice” (Lk 11:42).
Consider all the “winnowing” the king is called to do in running his kingdom in Proverbs 20:8,11,15,26,28,30. Are we not the kings and queens of our little family-kingdoms? And look again at the personal responsibility put on God-followers in Proverbs 21:3,11,13,15,22,31. Clearly, we Christians are encouraged to stand up for what is right and to be God’s hands and feet… at least sometimes. We are His Body (1 Cor 12:27), right?
I realize that my journey is different from everyone else’s, but just to open up a bit here: the reason I am so interested in this particular topic is this: So often in my childhood and adolescence, my own parents’ actions (or non-actions) of “Christian passivity” left me wounded and confused, believing my lifelong lie that the reason no one fought for me, the reason no one stood up to my oppressors must have been because “I am not worth it.” After all, my lies told me, why would anyone on earth NOT stand up for what’s right unless the person being oppressed was worthless? Thus, my self-worth became the casualty when my parents were simply trying to be “good little Christians who let God do the justice work.”
Think of IJM, the amazing noon-profit organization that goes into human slavery and human trafficking situations and rescues the slaves, rescues the 4, 5, and 13-year old girls who’ve been crying out to God for freedom from their tormenters. If we left all “justice work” up to God and no Christian ever took personal responsibility, would not those girls still be enslaved by their pimps? Yes, they would. But… because God DOES hear their prayer… and because He CARES… and because they are WORTH it, He sends His own kids, men and women like us, to go in and deliver them. It is not easy work. All you have to do is read Gary Hougen’s true story “Terrify No More” and you know that to be true. But it is GOOD. It is IMPORTANT. It is GODLY. And it is NECESSARY.
Now please don’t misunderstand me– I’m NOT saying what you (or I) “should do” in this situation… I am fully aware that God says “vengeance is mine” and that He often calls us to wait patiently while He does His grand supernatural things… BUT… sometimes He IS calling US to rise up and do the hard work. Like how Aslan has the children work out the way of freedom and victory in The Silver Chair and The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. And like how the IJM folks do the research, the legal work and the rescue work necessary to free children from sex slavery. And like how God told the Israelites to “go up and take possession” of the Promised Land (Deut 1:21)… We do our part, He does His. Ours is the grunt work, His is the truly miraculous transformation and redemption work.
So. Again. Just to clarify: I am not saying that when our kids are bullied we should do x or y or z. I don’t know. Sometimes we probably should shush up and pray and let God do whatever He does. But sometimes I think He is calling us to speak the truth and teach the bully-kids about right and wrong. Or their parents. Or whatever. I don’t know! I just want us all to be open to the possibility that confrontation is not necessarily a bad thing. Christians so often only look at the “turn the other cheek passages”, but not these “personal responsibility passages.” Of course we all must “give an account of ourselves” (Rom 14:12) and of course we are advised not to be hasty in our actions and to “avoid strife” (Prov 20:3). We are also supposed to “guard our tongue” (Prov 21:23) and not give “full vent to our rage” (Prov 29:11). And, of course, love trumps it all (I Cor 13:1-13)—that must be our motive.
I wholeheartedly believe that God will direct you and I in these tough life moments. As He promises in Isaiah 30:21, “Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” ”
I love your passion for this issue, Krisi! And thanks for sharing your thoughts here.
I couldn’t agree more with your concept of ineffectual Christian passivity. I do believe wholeheartedly that we are not to take justice lightly nor are we to leave it all up to God in a way that negates our personal responsibility to pursue and work for it. I absolutely believe that as Christians, we should be at the very forefront of the missions of justice in this world. When I was speaking of God righting it all, I meant in terms of redeeming the overall brokenness of this world and judging those who have opposed justice ie: pimps, sex trade etc. Not that we shouldn’t pursue justice through the rescuing of girls, prosecuting of criminals, and being in the muck of it all to defend those who are defenseless. And certainly not that we should turn a blind eye and assume that we are spectators in a world where God is at work so we can just chill. Yes, He is at work but He has also called us to partnership with His mission and for our hearts to break and resonate and rage at the things which stir His.
I guess I was thinking more in terms of eternal justice. Also, in terms of my children, I believe they know that I am wholeheartedly on their side in terms of hurts etc. Almost overly so. In which I have to restrain myself from hurling myself at their bullies. My mama heart is ferocious and I am learning the difference between justice and vengeance and I think that I can ( and have) confronted the bullies, parents etc.) without seeking retribution. I seriously had the strongest urge to resort to third grade antics and start teasing these kids myself. Real mature, I know.
I also believe that confrontation is not only essential to right relationships but Godly. It is only the matter of how we confront that determines whether we are doing it in a Godly way or a fleshly way. When my kids get hurt, it is initially all flesh and I need to calm down and prayerfully consider what God has called me to do before dealing with such a situation.
I don’t have all the answers but I absolutely love what you wrote and the challenge to stand up for what we believe. And to put hands and feet to our words.
I am so sorry that you didn’t feel protected when you were young. Know that you are absolutely worth protecting and I love you dear friend. Always good to hear your thoughts.