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How to be a Good Friend

There are some things I’m pretty terrible at, like parallel parking. Lets just say, I’ll keep circling the block for another space, lest I take someones bumper off.

Anything related to hand eye coordination, pretty much not my thing. Or any coordination for that matter.

I am spatially challenged. Finding the right sized Tupperware for leftovers always leads to enchiladas spilling over the sides or enough room for the one slice of meatloaf to rattle around in the hollow and I have rearranged an entire room of furniture only to realize that the couch will absolutely not fit there and have to move it back.

But there are also things that I am good at.

I can make people laugh, usually at me. I have no shortage of embarrassing moments with which to put your mind at ease that there are indeed ways in which your life could be worse, or at least more humiliating. Walking around all day with your dress tucked up in your underpants. Done it. Just a little side note, if you see someone walking around with their Jockey bikini cuts holding half of their skirt up in the rear, please tell them.

I am honest, to a fault sometimes, don’t ever ask me something you don’t really want to know.

I am loyal. A friend loves at all times and once I call you a friend, I will. I can listen when you’re having a rough time. I can tell you the truth about how beautiful God made you and the areas where Jesus shines in you.

I have a special radar that senses when someone is uncomfortable or feeling left out and alone and I will rally around them to pull them in.

I can use my words to bring life and lift up.

I am good at being genuinely happy for the blessings and successes of those I love even if things in my life aren’t working out. I can love you and care for your soul.

But I am also good at sharp words spoken in haste. I am good at being cynical and seeing the downside to everything.

I am good at holding a grudge and being slow to forgive.

I am good at overreacting to stresses and feeling overwhelmed by demands on my time. I am good at being selfish with my alone time and not wanting to make an effort. I can be flaky and cancel plans often. I can hate commitment and being locked into anything.

I can choose isolation and solitude out of ease instead of pursuing community.

We choose. Each day we choose to be the better friend or the worse one.

We choose to love.

We choose joy.

We choose grace and forgiveness.

We choose to focus on the things that are good, that bind hearts and bring hope. We choose to overlook the things that break hearts and tears bonds. We choose to cover the flaws of those around us in grace and draw out the gifts that God has blessed them with. We choose what we will be good at, what we will practice and how we will respond.

Choose to be the kind of girlfriend that you would want your daughter to have. The one who loves her and cherishes her and never speaks words of hurt or jealousy. The one that tells her the truth wrapped in kind and gentle words when she needs to hear it. The one who never excludes her or plays games to manipulate her or uses her. The one who sees all the qualities that make her unique and beautiful and praises them. The one that has her back no matter what.

We can choose to look at friendship through love’s glorious filter. Or we can choose to be alone.

Choose to be a good friend.

What are some choices you’ve made in friendships? What are some of the things you know you’re good at or wish you weren’t good at? Are you choosing to be a good friend?

Comments: 9 Comments Category: Relationship Tags: community, daughters, encouragement, friends, joy

Letters to my Daughter: On Being Kind

To my beautiful girl on her 7th birthday.

My sweet Kaia,

This week, you will be seven. Burning in my heart are the things I long for you to know as you get older and blossom into a young woman. My hope is that you will return to these birthday letters as you grow and it will remind you of your mother’s love and desires for her most precious little girl. These are my words to you this year as you turn seven.

You are kind. Don’t ever lose that. This world will try to rob you of that quality. It will tell you that you need to think of yourself first. It will tell you that the hurts you get in this life would be less if you hardened your heart and didn’t let it feel such empathy. This world will tell you that to get ahead you need to toughen up. This world will tell you that it’s only important to be kind to those who treat you well. That you are not required to be kind to everyone. It will tell you that kindness makes you weak and easy to take advantage of.

But I tell you, sweet girl, that to get ahead in God’s economy, you are doing it right. You never grab candy at the bank, stickers from the doctor’s office, or a treat at the store without getting some for your brothers, even when they’re not there to see, even when they don’t thank you as they should. You never enjoy anything without wishing your friends were there to share in it. You let others play with your new toy, even before you’ve had a chance yourself. You graciously let others take their turn first, even when they pushed you to get in front. Your joy seems incomplete until you have someone to share it with, even when it means less for you.

Don’t let yourself become jaded by the ways of this world. Continue to be a good friend, thinking of their needs and serving them. Continue to be a peacemaker, and as much as possible, try to get along with everyone. This is not the same thing as saying try to please everyone. Don’t even bother, you will never please everyone and those who seek to make everyone happy, sell their authenticity for approval. People pleasers are the most tragic kind of fraud, because not only are they fake to others, they also rob themselves of the opportunity for real community, bearing one another’s burdens, and messy grace.

Being a peacemaker means you’re willing to relinquish your personal rights when you seek to understand another person. You are willing to listen, you are willing to try to see things through God lenses, you are willing to compromise on things that you want in order to protect relationships and people.

Being a peacemaker does not mean compromising on the things of God. That’s why it’s so important to know what the foundational things are. They are not which version of the Bible you read, whether you own a TV or homeschool, or if you vote Republican. Learn the difference. But of the true things, on those, stand firm.

Keep your feet planted in His word, and stand up for justice. Don’t let someone be bullied and friendless when you are around. Don’t ignore the tugging at your conscience when God is willing you to speak up against something that’s not right. Stand up and raise your voice about things that God cares about. Do not be afraid to offend people in these things, because the truth is, the gospel is offensive to this world.

Remember when you were in ballet and Miss Emily had you practice spinning around and each time you had a spot on the wall you were supposed to focus on as you turned? What happens if you don’t whip your head around and find that one spot? You get dizzy and fall down. Please God. Please Him alone and don’t worry about the rest. Let Him be your one spot. Let His be the only approval you seek. It’s the only way to keep your footing. It’s the only way to make your dance beautiful.

Join me for Wednesday’s post: Letters to my Daughter: On Being Beautiful

I linked up with other bloggers at

Comments: 28 Comments Category: Compassion, Faith, Family, Kids, Love Letters, Parenting, Relationship Tags: culture, daughters, friends, God, heart, joy, worldly

Blissdom: My first blogging conference

I am leaving to go to a women’s blogging conference today. Blissdom will commence Thursday, after 700 women of all different backgrounds, writing styles, blog niches, and outfits converge on Nashville,Tennessee. The twitter boards are alive and jumping with nervous anticipation and excitement. And fear. So much fear.

Many of the women in my #Blissdomnewbies group have never been to a conference like this. Some, like me, haven’t been blogging for long at all and are still learning everything. Some have done it for years, and some have many years behind them but are just now starting to desire more from the blogging experience. A lot of us don’t know another soul. I’m lucky enough to have a bloggy friend I’ve made this year who will be there and that has given me some assurance that I’m not completely alone in a brand new city amidst a sea of women tweeting into their iPhones.

Watching these twitter boards and the conversations that flow out of them I’ve noticed a few things, and boy, do I relate!

1. Women really do want to belong.

We want to have community, we want to be one of the girls. Even the introverts (like me) want to make connections with other people who get us. Who understand that we live to write. It’s a part of me that God has created and I as I am trusting Him, I’m feeling his pleasure. It’s so important for all of us to feel connected to each other both in what we are passionate about and also with people who are different from us that we can learn from. Community is essential no matter what you do with your life.

2. Women are afraid of other women.

Maybe it’s the classic mean girls scenario that plays in your head, or the traumatic sleepover you went to in fifth grade where your “friends,” put your underwear in the freezer. Girls can be mean. When my son used to squabble with his cousin/best friend, we always knew it because someone got punched or pushed. It was all out and aggressive and then it was over. Both of them knew they were mad and both expressed it, albeit not in the best way. At least it was quickly remedied. Girls tend to one-up each other. They don’t punch each other but they jab with snide comments or the obvious exclusion of the ostracized girl. The passive-aggressive pathology of girl relationships is astounding in our culture. They have the better outfit or the better hair, and they’re gonna make sure you know it too. Some women may still be this way, but I’d venture to say that most are not. And if you see someone being a mean girl, go out of your way to be a nice one. I admit, I’ve been really hurt by girls in my life. But these past years have brought slow redemption and I am open to friendships with women where I used to be closed off. Although, there a lot of worries about fitting in at a conference like this while everyone else is witty and dazzling and you feel like you might win the award for most awkward presence in the room, most people have admitted to feeling the exact same way.

3. Women compare… A LOT.

We do. We judge and rank and profile. We hope we’re not on the bottom of the rung. We wonder if we are still a blogger if we only have a few readers, most of whom include our own family, or if we have a voice if we’re not married yet or don’t have kids. We wonder if anyone really cares what we’re saying. We wonder if the “big” bloggers out there are going to shun us with their cool big bloggerness ( yes, that is absolutely a word.) We wonder if our hair is ok, if our clothes are right, if we pack too much or too little. We wonder who’s going to wear what so we can also decide. We compare. But the truth is that we’re all so different. We all have something intrinsically unique about us and we all bring something different to the table. Be you and be great at it! You’ll never fail.

alli worthington, catherine conners, blissdom

Blissdom ladies photo credit: angryjuliemonday

4. When women get to connect in community, move past insecurity, fear, and comparison, we have a blast.

I already know I’m going to have a blast because I really don’t feel nervous anymore. I worked through all the “oh, I’m just a small blog… ” and am truly embracing it all. I’m certain there are going to be women who still feel insecure and are comparing and I say, ” I want to find them and make them feel great about themselves.” I am one of the last people to ever offer false flattery, ask my sister-in-law who went shopping with me once; I am honest. I’m not going to go around passing out fluffy comments just because, that’s not me. But because of my introversion, I am good at getting to know people and really looking deep for that special thing about them that makes them worth getting to know and maybe they’ll see that thing in me too. I’m hoping to make some great new relationships.