decluttering - Narrow Paths to Higher Places

Decluttering Part Five: I’m Failing My Kids

I can hear the soft rustle of her feet as she pads sleepily down the hall. I see tiny hands with chipped pink polish, lifting the blankets edge and then the softest wisp of a breathe on the side of my cheek as she nestles into the curve of my arm and settles where my heart beats. She is so beautiful to me. Her soft hair flowing over the pillow.

Kaia is beautiful

He pulls up on the bed, grasping with tiny fingers, a bounding cable of boy energy stretched long and flying toward us. He flops his head onto my shoulder and lets out a howl of chuckles, not like a girl but a deep thing floating from his lungs. He is all boy. This little man in my arms. I pull his body to mine. I feel his heart race with excitement as he jumps free and springs across the bed like a bounding creature.

Nehemiah swinging

And then there’s my oldest, on the cusp of manhood but still so much a boy. He doesn’t bound in like he used to. He sits more tentatively on the edge of the bed. Still wanting to join in but more reserved. He is finding his boundaries, his space. He’s not so quick to hug or snuggle. He carries his adolescent awkwardness with him at this age. I have to chase him down for affection but he is always ready for attention. For my time and praise.

Judah

He’s hurting. I can see it. He feels trapped and lost and is waiting for me to take the lead, after all, I’m his mom. I’ve taught him everything else from the time he was potty training with Thomas the Train undies to writing a persuasive essay in grammar.

But this, this I can’t teach. Haven’t learned.

I’m failing them. And I know that there is only so much we can do as moms. But then again, there is so much we can do as moms!

I see the areas where I am weak, where I struggle, and oh how it slices through me to see those same struggles and strongholds in my children’s lives. Food addiction and gluttony. Seeing it as comfort and overindulging. Piling my plate high when I should be turning to God for those empty and broken places which food never fills.

I don’t know how to change it.

How do you deal with flesh and need in your children’s lives when you haven’t even begun to deal with it in your own?

How do you set boundaries and help without it seeming like you are always judging or policing everything that goes into their mouths? Without making them feel worse than they already do?

How do you set an example when you are so weak? When you’ve tried and failed more times than you can count? When you can’t see your own worth and you hide behind your fat suit and hold people at a distance?

I watched my dad battle these demons all of his life and I know now, he wasn’t judging me as my weight ballooned as I made poor choices and he saw my health declining. He felt just as inadequate to help me as I do now as a mom watching my children imitate me.

I’m failing, guys. I know it. I am stripped bare and exposed. And all I can do is admit I am failing and I need help.

Comments: 27 Comments Category: Decluttering, Family, Kids, Parenting Tags: daughters, decluttering, discipline, educate, fat, God, hurt, kids, lacking, mom fail, moms, overwhelmed, self image, stripped

Life Rearranged or at Least a Tad Less Dusty

So anyway, I had a very serious case of pneumonia compounded by my asthma, which left me incapacitated for a little over a month.

I’m up and around now and my energy level is steadily rising but the accumulation of things needing to be done over the past month has hit the roof, broken through, and seems to be pooling in my hallway.

Apparently, things don’t tend to get done unless you do them. Who knew?

cleaning So, now I am faced with a month’s catch up of household things needing to be done. And if I was honest,each mom day is like the equivalent in dog years so one mom day sick means I’m a lifetime behind right now.

Children’s schooling because yeah, they need to learn things, and I’m kind of responsible for that, what with the homeschooling and all. Finances and taxes to be filed in 14 days, just a mental reminder to get on that. Oh, and we own our own company so no short forms for me. Menu planning and freezer cooking, because I abhor cooking and otherwise my kids eat cereal for dinner, true story. Prepping our garden if the snow ever stops, because I have high hopes for more fresh veggies this year. I also completely missed Tsh’s spring decluttering band wagon while laid up in bed but the more dust I see around objects the more I just want to toss everything.Plus, we are in need of a major purge. Nehemiah keeps emerging from his closet in capri pants, except he doesn’t own any capri pants. Everything needs a good scrubbing. Is that bubble gum in the carpet? Yes, it was. And of course there is that annoying buzz at the back of my mind that if I were healthier to begin with maybe this pneumonia wouldn’t have wiped me out so thoroughly, so yes, that get healthier aspect is also on my burgeoning to do list.

And of course, I also have this blog. And all you lovely readers that make this space so special. This is my space, where I can vent my thoughts, passions, worries, and dreams into each post, but it’s also a place where I’ve found great connection and the beginnings of a tiny community with you guys. Love to you all, my tiny band of faithful readers.

Blogging was the one thing I’ve kept up on since I didn’t need a working voice, extra oxygen, or to get out of my bed to scrawl the past months posts. It worked. But now I’m up and swamped with that real life stuff. And since I write about my life and my life is filled with these tasks, you’re invited to join me. Fun, right?

It will be I promise. And if it’s not you can leave mean comments after each post. Just kidding, you can’t or I’ll cry. No really, I might, it’s been a hard month.

Over the next month I’ll be writing a bit on my progress in

planning, cooking, and eating whole foods for a healthier family
decluttering our junk, organizing it and donating to charities or selling it
tackling the stacks of paper that seem to grow all over the house
catching up on schooling for the kiddos
getting our garden in tip-top shape for the coming ( fingers crossed) spring weather
And of course, implementing a regular exercise plan, please Jesus, give me strength!

It will be fun, yes? I think, yes. Deep Cleansing Breaths.

Comments: 6 Comments Category: Blogging, Home School, Kids, Kitchen Tags: blogging, decluttering, discipline, finances, organize, simplify

Decluttering part four: Being the beautiful and beloved.

He tells me I’m beautiful. Whispers it to me as we snuggle on the couch, smooths back my hair. I look down. Fourteen years and I still doubt these words. Maybe doubt them more now than ever. I don’t see it. What he says he still sees. What he pleads with me to understand and accept.

There is a comfort now. An intimacy born out of long years filled with sorrows etched deep, joy brimming, and oh, so much forgiveness. We are a match. A union forged through the fire. I know that deep down. I know his commitment to me and his steady faithfulness even when I’ve been fickle. And truthfully, it’s not his love that I doubt, but my worth to be the loved.

I know that this is not who I really am. I am shocked when I see pictures of myself and I think, “How did that happen? How did I let it come to this?” My insides don’t match my outsides. I look like I have been swallowed whole by this fat suit. And I am never as aware as when we are a couple.

When we are out as a family, kids in tow, running errands or out to dinner, my focus is on my children. We fit because we aren’t functioning as man and wife, romantically, intimately. We are functioning as a unit, a family. We aren’t solely man and woman. We are mom and dad.

But when there are candles lit, music playing softly in the background, couples with heads bent across tables and lingering glances, I recoil. Date night has dwindled over the years. I am ashamed to say it is my insecurity alone that has caused me to prefer an evening in pj’s by the fire or snuggling on the couch to a night out. And that would be fine if that’s all it was, a preference. I’ve always been more laid back and fancy dinners seem like a lot of work and money wasted. With finances being tight and 3 children, we have spent more and more time this way. I have excused this behavior for all of these reasons, and as a natural introvert, it seems feasible.

But I also know that this feeling extends to social events, gatherings, and outings where we would attend as a couple. It has hindered my ability to joyfully accompany my husband and I’ve deprived him of my presence so many times because I am just not emotionally up for it.

alia

I have felt the judgmental looks, the questioning glances. “What is he doing with her?” I’m ashamed to say I’ve thought it before of others. It’s not as rare to see a beautiful woman with a less attractive man, in fact I would say it is fairly common. But in our society, it is much rarer to see a handsome man with an overweight or less attractive woman. There is a natural questioning that seems to happen. “How did that happen? Did he marry her fat or did she gain weight after? I wonder what he saw in her.” I know some people will say that it is solely my insecurity talking and people don’t really think that way but I assure you many do. Because here is the truth of the matter. We do judge, at least initially, by the outside appearance.

I cannot say often enough how much I consider beauty a powerful and advantageous quality. Socrates called it “A short tyranny,” and Plato,’~The privilege of nature.” We have no quality that surpasses it in credit. It holds the first place in human relations; it presents itself before the rest, seduces and prepossesses our judgment with great authority and a wondrous impression.
–Montaigne, Essays

And what is it all really but vanity? Even writing these words, it all seems so silly. Yet there it is, my heart.

I am less of a wife, not because of my appearance, but because I am so totally consumed by myself. My own selfishness and constant insecurity is like a plague. At times, mastered but never defeated. Silly and ridiculous but nevertheless present.

I don’t have a pithy anecdote or a simple answer to this dilemma of self. I am a work in progress.

It’s always so much easier to write from a place of accomplishment. To plant our victory flag and speak of the things we have conquered, mastered, and can now impart our wisdom to the masses. It is infinitely harder to blog from the trenches. To crouch down and hope to avoid the weapons still being blasted at you. To admit your fear that this war will never cease-fire, that this battle will rage on and you will be forever cowering.

photo credit by jinterwas

I don’t know yet how God will work in these places. I do know that I am willing to let Him and that confessing my heart is the only way to allow Him in. Maybe I’ll start by accepting Josh’s compliment. By saying “Thank you” when he offers those words, “You are beautiful,” and praying that someday God will heal me to believe it. To truly be the beloved.