Day 27: My Testimony: The Path Since Then
A few weeks ago, I sat tucked deep in a wooden booth at a local pub with my brother and his wife. We are talking life. And family convention has predestined that we question and wrestle with it. This life.
Our talk turns to church. It is no secret that we’ve had our share of struggles with church. And this church is no different. I’ve gone for almost 9 months but if you count missed Sundays during colds and overslept mornings and travel, it’s more like 4. And I’m struggling.
While a lot of the messages resonate with me, while many friendly faces greet me in passing, I feel as though God has plunked me down in the one church that would push all of my buttons. The place that has the outer culture of everything I have wrestled with my whole church life.Wealth, beauty, success, comfort. The inner sanctum of belonging that seems to include some but not others. But maybe I always carry a little of that with me.
“I feel very strongly that God has told me to go there, that I am to submit and be obedient, but it’s a struggle for me. It draws out all the former things I struggled with growing up,” I tell Jordan. He nods in understanding. He feels it too. We don’t fit.
“How would you expect to find community while you intentionally withdraw from it at some point? The disobedient cannot believe; only the obedient believe.” ― Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Discipleship
So, I struggled. I prayed and sought answers because I felt deflated. I felt like I would never find a place within the community and fabric of church where I would feel woven in and covered.
And I continued to struggle, doubting the value of church, and wondering if it was really worth the effort when I felt so disconnected.
But God had spoken, and I was trying to be obedient. But my obedience was tempered by just enough cynicism that everywhere I looked, I saw things I wished were different. Perhaps I still do.
And then I am standing in the common area, my hands cupped around a small white paper cup of coffee too hot to drink fast even though I am seriously lacking in caffeine, and she is introduced to me.
She says her name and we chat about how long she’s been coming to church and where she moved from and the ages of our children, she has two daughters tucked behind her, the youngest one clinging to her thigh. “Wow, this is the most people I have met the whole time I’ve gone here,” she says as she looks at us. And when she leaves, I am unsettled.
I am disappointed that the church isn’t better at including and connecting new people. I am bothered that I still feel disconnected. I am wondering why things aren’t more organized to let people know when and where they can connect.
And then it hits me, God speaking directly to my judgmental heart. You.
You could invite her over for dinner. You could grab a coffee with her. You could seek people out. You.
And I don’t want to be the problem.
I want the problems solved around me by the people who have the gift of hospitality and don’t stress out when they have new people over.
I want someone else to reach out and I just want to come along and be a part of something already up and running. After all, I home school 3 children, run a business, run a blog, tutor, suffer from very serious depressive episodes, I am only ever busy.
I’m the girl who puts ear buds in as soon as I take a seat on the plane even if no music is playing just so I can avoid conversation with my seatmate. When asked if I’d like to be on the connections team, I almost broke out in hives thinking of phone calls and chit-chat. Give me an envelope to stuff any day over having to call random strangers.
I can’t take that on. And I’m not guilt tripping and thinking I have to save every lonely or disconnected person by scooping them up and collecting them like lost puppies, but I also can’t ignore my place in it all.
If I see an issue and sit back with nothing more than judgments, then I’m not loving this church the way God has called me to. And if I’m not doing that, then it doesn’t matter if I’m front and center ever Sunday, I’m still not being obedient. And maybe the issues I see have more to do with my own heart than anything else. Maybe it’s always that way.
Alia, your posts I follow but I honestly need to say I am troubled. Why can you not tell me what I am doing to turn you away? We’ve had many a face to face encounters with church and family, I know not what other way to reach you than through your blog. I read it. I am here for you, have always been. Just an unconnection I gues that you have with me. You speak of church and your struggles connecting, we’re we not trying.? I fail in many ways and I know not how to be a great friend, I am much like you within our own struggles. but I truly enjoyed the times when you would come and share yourself through friendship and prayer. You are able to spill your emotions on your blog, and I need to
pour out mine. You are an amazing women, and I love you and your family dearly. I am sorry for not giving more to you and your family , It is a struggle for us all with kids, but also for us moms. I get it, I enjoy your friendship Alia. Thank you for your blog it is a blessing. I just want to be here for you.
Oh Katie, I am so sorry if you feel that I have turned you away or that our not connecting this past year has anything to do with you personally.
It’s also never been an issue of you not giving to us or loving us. If anything, I have been much more to blame for not being involved in your life. I think that it is hard for me to make time in my life and I have always been pretty awful about intentionally reaching out to people. I tend to have the closest friendships with those who pursue me and call me and set up times to get together. This is not an accusation of anyone but a weakness on my part, I tend to be really bad at initiating connections and get togethers. I do want and value connection, but my introverted side also loves to stay home and if I don’t get dragged out of my shell, it’s easy to be content right where I am. As it is, I maybe go out once a month with a friend and then only if they set it up.
When writing this post and others like it, I am referring to my feelings at church and in regards to being a part of a local congregation more than my relation to Christians and a larger sense of the universal body of Christ.
I don’t have as many personal issues with the concept of a universal body of Christians or with my friends that I know around town.
In truth, it’s never really been about connecting with you as much as logistics. I valued our early morning chats, prayer times, and conversations very much. Okay, well not the early morning part (not a morning person) but the rest of it.
I think that’s why our early morning studies worked out for me. Sarah would pick me up , you would host, then she’d drop me off. I really just had to roll out of bed.
I know this a weakness in many ways and I am trying to find the balance of how God made me,
(naturally more introverted) and how God calls us to be in community.
I really hope you are well and I value your friendship as well, even if we haven’t seen each other in a long time. It means a lot that you are here for me. I am truly blessed. I have a new email if you want to get in touch. aliajoyh@gmail.com I got a new phone and don’t have your number anymore.
Alia Joy recently posted..My Testimony: The Path Since Then
Oh girl!! I have been there! I sat in a coffee shop with my pastor last year this month and told him “you’re crazy” when he suggested it was time to start connecting with community – time to start taking action and belonging. Everything and I mean everything in me was finding ways to make excuses, offer up sound and logical reasoning as to why connecting just wasn’t for me… And he was so awesome, my pastor, so awesome in pointing out how healing and community can work together… so I took a step and connected… and so glad I did… Love your honesty here… and love you!
Tonya Salomons recently posted..God-sized Dreams – Facing Fears
I am so glad you have found your place, Tonya and that your pastor was able to offer you that insight and wisdom and that you were able to humbly take his advice and plug in. That’s a lot of things working together in your favor. I think I am making steps in the right direction and feel like God is assuring me along the way. I’m definitely not there yet, but I sure want to be. Love you too, friend.
Alia Joy recently posted..My Testimony: The Path Since Then
Man, girl, you cut to the heart now don’t ya? I have such deep respect for you and the way you navigate this mess of life. So glad to call you my friend.
Ashley Larkin recently posted..How a woman is like a rock
Technically, you are not front and center. You are more over to the side where it is cooler.
Love you, friend. : )
Kathi recently posted..Another Day
As usual, you’re (He?) calling me on the carpet. I’m also one who “breaks out in hives” just thinking about the awkward pause in superficial conversations…but also cannot say that I feel any release to leave my present situation. I’ve been trying to blame it on my personality (INFP;-)) but I think I may be copping out. Somewhere between there and my perfectionism the answer is hidden, I’m sure….It helps so very much to read someone else sorting through these somewhat similar issues. Can’t wait to see how we work it out.
I will right away snatch your rss feed as I can’t to find your email subscription hyperlink or e-newsletter service. Do you have any? Kindly allow me understand so that I could subscribe. Thanks.
I am struggling with finding community in our church. We have no couple friends and my husband doesn’t have friends. I have tried to chat with gals, but at least it seems in this area, there are a lot of clicks and people are comfortable. Also, people here are “just so busy”. UGH
I am trying and searching, but God wants us here and I don’t know why. Thank you for writing this and be blessed:)
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