My smile is my umbrella.
This silent smile, which hints at knowing some deep delicious secret. The smile that keeps people in their place and me in mine. It certainly doesn’t invite further inquiry.
What can you truly ask someone whose smile never falls? Who tells you it’s all fine. It’s always fine.
Who makes you feel unprepared, ravaged by storm and nature and all things messy.
Because you can’t just smile when things are not fine. So you stay away. And I smile, because it worked.
My smile is my umbrella.
It deflects the world’s weather with an air of independence. The “I’m fine” of unaffectedness.
Under it I can no longer feel the sun soaking hot into my bare skin, I can’t feel the soft kisses of the raindrops on my freshly dried hair or glimpse the twinkling of the stars in the heavens.
I can only feel the wind rushing about me and catching my hair up in swirls and tangles when the storms come and I lean in hard and try to hold on.
An umbrella does nothing to protect against winds of gale force. They crumple like folded paper or gather the wind like sails, pulling your arms high and loose and drag you while you clutch or flail.
It’s silly really, this idea that we are supposed to grin and bare it while our world deteriorates around us.Or inside us. And I wonder at your smile.
Are you fine? Maybe.
Or maybe you stopped feeling at all. Maybe you are drifting through your days in a fog of duty, of carpool lanes, date night, and second service on Sundays because mornings are so tough, and eyes so hard to open after nights when sleep doesn’t come.
Maybe you go through the motions because the motions are all you have to keep you from never getting out of bed again.
Maybe you are tired, so very tired.
Maybe you never say, “No, I’m not fine. Far from it. It’s hard, this life stuff and this ridiculous umbrella is getting heavy,” and the corners of your mouth begin to drag low and down and you almost tell the truth. Tell it all and don’t worry about the response.
Because it is so hard and maybe they know the hard too. But maybe they don’t know storms and messy hair and blinding gusts whipping you senseless.
Maybe you should just smile and tell them you’re fine.
Because no one can touch you, the rain bounces merrily from your canopy while you feel only the rushing of the wind blocking out all sound.
And in that moment you wonder, perhaps it would be better to get wet? Sopping, sloppy, soaked, and cold. Drenched through or blushing pink from the sun’s bath and not try to maintain an order that doesn’t really exist.
Splash in the puddles and let your hair get soaked.
Remember when we were kids and raindrops were ecstasy?
And we never got tired of muddy shoes and wet clothes and the wind in our hair.
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Oh Alia…{sigh} your honesty and transparency is breathtaking. Thank you for sharing your heart in this place and for setting the precedent for others to live realness in community. To begin to acknowledge the need to take off the masks and love and support one another. Just beautiful, my friend!
Jacque Watkins recently posted..For When the Unknown is Scary and You Need to Take the Risk
Jacque, thanks so much. I’m glad to have such a loving community to be real in. You bless me, friend.
Strange intersect with real life for me here.
Maggie S. recently posted..If It Were That Simple; Everyone Would Do It
How so? Share.
I have battled depression sort of always. One term on meds resulted in my decision that to be in the “just-happy-enough-not-to-say-I’m-sad” range was too high a price.
That was 21 years ago this July.
But. Are they managing the price for me to not manage my real needs well?
maggie S. recently posted..There’s Always an Extra Blessing to Obedience…Darn It.
I moved to the south almost nine years ago, where most wear the smile mask of avoidance. It’s not the way I function and I’ve had to be a student of how to get past it with friends. It just takes awhile for people to trust and I’m learning patience in the process. Thank you for being honest, its the first step to opening the door for others to be.
Shelly Miller recently posted..What It Means to Live a Good Story
Shelly, it’s strange how different places and cultures have different ways of socially acceptable realness. Maybe you’ll help teach some people to get real and bless them through more intimate friendship. Thanks for sharing your experience there.
Thank you for this!
You’re welcome, friend.
Blessings to you!!! I, too, have struggled with depression throughout my life. I have had some really bad moments, bad months, bad years, but God is bringing me out of it and I pray for His touch on you as well!
Thanks Crystal. It’s always nice to connect with others who have been there. I am actually doing much better in this season than a few years ago but it’s all a process. Thanks for sharing your experience here. Blessings to you as well.
Beautiful, Alia.
Kathi recently posted..Remember That Time…?
Thanks friend.
Just nodding my head (and my heart) in agreement with you, friend. Sometimes we’re all scared to put down our umbrella-smile and splash in the puddles. I so appreciate your honesty. Thank you for this beautiful post.
Jana recently posted..Five Minute Friday: Opportunity
Thanks Jana, I appreciate yours as well. I’d splash in the puddles with you any day.
This is so honest and real and I love it. I don’t love the fact that you are struggling, but that you are able to express it here so the rest of us can feel it with you, we know you can relate to us. Thank you for exposing what so many are afraid to tell.
Thanks for linking up!
God bless you!
Denise In Bloom recently posted..Skipping The Dress Rehearsal :: Embracing Opportunity
Thanks Denise, and thanks for the great link up.
I am tired most of the time, and my smile is silent most of the time. Depression can be caused because we are tired, and perhaps we are carrying a load that is too great. This is why Jesus asked us to cast our care on him. My silent smile is because of pain. Perhaps we all have pain in some form. I try to keep going and work through it. Not necessary my advice just what I do. Singing or listening to GOOD Christian music helps me too.
Robert Moon recently posted..THEM BAD BOYS Part 2
Thanks Robert. It’s good that you’ve found ways that help you in this struggle. That’s a large part of why I write. It’s cathartic to get it out of my head and to connect with others when I’m most likely to isolate myself. Thanks for sharing your experience and I hope you find relief from the pain in Him.
Hi Alia,
I love the way you wrote this article, it’s like a poem to me and the thoughts here are really something that I know in myself, I’ve learned and can relate through personal experience.
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