This post has been excruciatingly hard to write.
Because I like to tell the truth. The most common compliment on my writing is that it is authentic, raw, vulnerable, real, and brave. Honestly, you bolster my spirit with your love and graciousness as I share my messy, broken, beautiful with you. You have spoken life into places in my mess that I believe were the very loving words of God to me.
But at the same time it is a blessing it is also a battle. Because my heart is prone to wander. Because we were never meant for the praise afforded God and although we bear his image, we are often clumsy and inadequate with praise. There is never enough room in my heart for my vanity and a holy adoration of God.
I am prone to seek my own glory. I am prone to seek praise. I am prone to forget that any talent I have is not of my own doing. Not born solely on effort or skill but a gracious gift given to me not for my own purposes but to point to the Giver. I am prone to think I am all that. And then because of all I have invested in my own abilities, I can bastardize the ministry that He has blessed me with. I share this now not for a simple pat on the back for telling the truth but because this is a constant struggle with chasing God sized dreams.
And so when I read Holly’s challenge to name our God sized dreams, I felt this false humility raising its head. Can I really name what I believe God has made me for? Could I say aloud what I think God purposed my life toward? That the stories woven through the years of my life would point to this dream. That the thundering heartbeat stirring when I ponder the calling, were from Him and I am claiming them.
And it scared me. A lot.
What if I name them and people think I’m being presumptuous? What if they think I have none of these self-perceived talents and I’m just fooling myself? What if none of this ever comes to pass and I have this troublesome post out there for all the world to see? A testament to my failure.
Yes, my failure.
How much more evident is it that I believe in myself, that I believe success depends on me and what I can accomplish, that I grapple with the sin and idolatry that run straight through my heart?
The truth is, I fear that I can be raw and real and authentic when revealing the wicked ugly that often resides in my heart competing with God’s place because I don’t feel self-righteous. I probe the depths of my own depravity, have in fact wrestled with the cost of my sin and come to the cross as wretchedly poor as the prodigal having to return time and again when my pockets are empty and I’ve rolled in the filth of my own way.
But I am self-reliant in the spirit of service.
“Oh Lord, if only you’d move out-of-the-way and open the door for me, look what I would do for you! I would serve you with all the finesse of one truly gifted. Oh and thanks for that too, God. You’ll get your money’s worth. I got this, God. “
And hasn’t this been the lesson of my whole life? Haven’t I been a spectacular failure despite the giftings God has blessed me with? Haven’t I been through this fire before? Haven’t I dreamed big and felt that it was God, only to watch it be a lesson learned in humility and dependence.
Haven’t I learned when I’m weak, He is strong. Only in my brokenness does He shine through. Only in my surrender am I malleable.
So when I realized I was struggling with this post, I realized it’s not insecurity about the dreams in my heart, it’s pride. I don’t want to say it aloud because I am afraid I won’t come through. I won’t be able to pull it off.
I am forgetting that God will go before me.
I am forgetting that the result of my dreams is not the point, my obedience is.
I am forgetting that what He works in me is more important than what He works through me, and that I have no control over the end result. That I may do great things, and no one may see them, and that’s okay.
So in obedience, pushing aside the pride that so easily ensnares, I am naming my God sized dreams.
I want to set my feet in Africa, even though right now the obstacles seem insurmountable. I want to follow my heart there and be taught, sit with stories and look deep into their eyes, I want to advocate for the things that bring my tears, choke me up, and set my spirit ablaze. I want to be a voice, even if it’s nothing more than a whisper of friendship and empathy. I want to be taught to love well.
I want to put my life into words. I want to share what God has done in my life as an anthem of hope and grace, not because I am so great but because He is.
I want to stand before women and speak life into them. I want to tell them that they’re brave and strong. That with God, we can change the world one heart at a time. He changed mine.
I want to name my dreams and go confidently towards them, not with false humility or pride but with the assurance of a God who guides my steps if only I will walk with Him.
Do you have God sized dreams you’d like to share? Join in over at Holly’s at say it out loud.
The more I read your blog, the more I realize how similar we are! I’m pretty sure you read my mind before writing this!!! I recently wrote about how I do have big dreams, yet, I was too scared to actually share them on my blog. Good for you sweet friend. You are so much braver than you think you are! And let me know when you take that trip because I will be right there with you… (that’s one of my dreams too!)
Amber Zaccagni recently posted..Dream Big or go home….
Yup, that’t actually how I plan my blog posts, I read your mind and then I sit and write.
Yes, I will let you know when I get on that plane. Believe me, if that dream came true there’s not many who won’t hear about it! Glad we’re on the same page, looking forward to hearing about your God sized dreams as well. There’s still time, friend.
Alia Joy recently posted..In Which I Dream Out Loud
Oh friend. God writes amazing, complex, and stunning concepts through you. He has imparted to you wisdom and YOU have listened. The struggle you describe is true, and I can relate to the turmoil, the challenge to humility, and the plain risk of publicly acknowledging our dreams. I am bowing low with you and surrendering too, so He can do the God-sized things through us…to Him be the glory as we walk arm in arm…sisters dreaming in Him! XOXO Jacque
Jacque Watkins @ Mercy Found Me recently posted..A Mercy-Found-Me Community {My God-Sized Dream}
Jacque, I can’t wait to head over and read everyone’s linked up posts and share in your dreams. I am waiting for tomorrow so I can take time and pray and encourage instead of flying through them but I will say to you now, I am so glad to be dreaming right along with you and I’m so glad that God brought your writing into my life and the connection we’ve had in blogging and then meeting in real life. Love you, friend. So excited to be on this journey with you.
P.S. You are brave and strong! Love the glory you shared in the telling of your story. I know it’s not easy but there’s so much beauty there! Thank you.
Alia Joy recently posted..In Which I Dream Out Loud
Hey Alia… It’s a good thing I have a tiny bit of space between these blogs of yours, [I miss here and there], or I would not be able to bear it!! The honest heart you share, above the wanting to say it ‘right’ and communicate well, just ZINGS like an arrow into my heart and I want to cry. My throat closes up and I hear the Lord speaking in His own perfectly clear and still small voice “Haven’t I learned when I’m weak, He is strong. Only in my brokenness does He shine through. Only in my surrender am I malleable.” .EchoEchoEcho –through me like a stone’s toss into a pond making ripples…
Here I am feeling sad tonight- well it’s a.m., now- and trying not to feel sorry for myself. I am anyway, I think.
My daughter, who is grown and married with many kids, is shutting me out of her life, and I don’t know what I DID. Yeah, I’m as dysfunctional as can be about ‘over-thinking’ stuff, but this is REAL. She TEXTED me a nice, correct, polite, “thank you & appreciation” for Christmas gifts I sent to her and to her family of 10-(the 11th has left home). She couldn’t CALL me??
When I asked her several times if it would be alright for me to stop in for 2 days to visit after Christmas, the last time was 10 days before and she said “I’m busy and I’ll have to get back to you.”
The last time I visited her we had a great time! Very relaxed! I walk on eggshells trying not to say anything that she will take personally or think I am judging her about. Usually, I DO put my foot in my mouth, but not last time!! It was ALL GOD’S GRACE!!!! I was so HAPPY!! She said to me that it had been a really good visit, too!
THIS, my ‘baby’, with whom I was a single mom for 6 1/2 yrs. We were always so close. Until adolescence. Until I hit 35 and crashed-and-burned in my Great Depression. We renewed that closeness, but we live about 400 miles apart, now. On the occasions when we talk on the phone she says she wishes I lived closer. ♥
So here I am, reading these words of yours, and the ones that are the most important to YOU are not the ones that grip me at the moment. Rather, it’s the ones about brokenness, and Him showing His strength when I am weak! It’s me-on-my-face, crying out to HIM, because I know that any ‘righteousness’ or ‘being RIGHT’ in a situation with my daughter means less than filthy dung!! Even trying to figure out what I ‘DID’… does it matter??
Maybe it wasn’t me.
Maybe it was.
What matters is me surrendering every bit of these hurts, these emotions, THIS relationship, ‘my’ children, ….and here’s my BIG CONFESSION:
I have actually SAID(!), not even realizing that it was prideful, that I believed God had given me this particular time in my life to be at home and not have other responsibilities
SO THAT
I could PRAY MORE FOR OTHERS and BE IN THE WORD, more.
At the time, it seemed so innocent and TRUE, but NOW I feel like it’s “WORKS” that I can’t live up to!!
I have been in this place so many times… I KNOW that when (anyone) I, am in any particular ministry that
IT DOESN’T HAPPEN UNLESS GOD ANOINTS IT. It has to be out of an overflow of relationship with Him, and of abiding IN Him that His Spirit flows and directs and is pure.
Oh, God, forgive me, for even feeling so anxious and worried about “not praying enough” or “right”!! I KNOW that’s a ‘works’ mentality and is born out of a mix of insecurity and pride.
This person, (me), is not capable.
I have also been sick with the flu and am just recovering(ed). [coughing] So I have gotten sidetracked from seeking God out for that heart connection, even though I pray and read in the Word. And that probably contributes to emotional vulnerability as well.
Well!! I just went full circle on a little journey there.
There IS some humor in that.
How easy it is to start protecting one’s ‘self’ when suddenly we realize we are bare-naked-truthers for all to see.
Hahaha!
Thank you for allowing God to use you, in whatever way He will, and letting peeps like me just cry on your blog!
Dream your big God dreams, because they wouldn’t be in your heart if He didn’t have a reason for them to BE there. He will work them out in His time and His way, as you keep surrendering.
Hah. YES, I DID just say that!
((sweet huggg)) to you, dear Alia.
Love in Christ Jesus, too…
pam
Thanks Pam for sharing your heart and your struggles here. I have committed to pray for you, friend. I know that depression can break apart relationships and only God can bring true healing and redemption in the areas we so often fail. While I struggle with being self reliant, I also know that there is something to be said about spiritual disciplines. For instance, when I am at my absolute lowest and feel desperate and empty, I will turn on my audio Bible app and just lay there and listen to the scriptures, trying to let it soak in. I will seek out messages or podcasts from preachers that I know speak God’s hard beautiful truth and listen as best I can. I will let myself absorb as much as I can. And it’s not out of trying to be good or trying to do right. It’s simply that I am empty and I know God’s word doesn’t return void. I know He is faithful. I know He will show up. I just open up wide, lay flat, quiet my raging emotions and listen. It’s not a magic cure but I also don’t believe just because I’m prone to be works oriented, that I shouldn’t work. I just need to remember to check that sinful heart and surrender to Him. Praying with you, friend. I am so glad you feel encouraged and challenged. May God continue to work in your life and in the restoration of your relationships. Bless you.
Alia Joy recently posted..In Which I Dream Out Loud
Thank you, Alia Joy… for your encouraging words, and for your prayers. God is continuing to ‘work OUT’ His will in me…
Alia joy- every word of this resonates deep with me. This pride, this self-reliance, also the reasons I wrestle hard with speaking it out loud. But here you took that step. You claimed your dream and rebuked the fear and false humility. God will bless this–He will always come through and give us the desires of our heart. However He chooses to guide you in this, you can trust that His way is perfect. I cannot wait to see how this unfolds. I’m so glad you wrote this, so thankful always for your words, for your heart for Christ. Love you.
Kris recently posted..A God Sized Dream
That makes two of us, then, that are excited to see what God has. I love the look on your face in your instagram holding your book. You were made for this, friend. And self publishing isn’t second best. It’s the work in your heart that is beautiful. Love you too, Kris.
Alia Joy recently posted..In Which I Dream Out Loud
Yes. You will go to Africa and every step of the journey will glorify God. Thank you for sharing your dream so I know how to pray for you! And that struggle with pride? Wanting to take all the accolades and pat yourself on the back for a job well done, when really, what do we really do that isn’t because of His grace? I’m in that struggle with you, my friend. Keep us updated so we can celebrate with you!
crystal recently posted..God Sized Dream Team – the Dream
Crystal, I sure hope so. That’s what I want most, to glorify God in every step and sometimes I know I don’t but He is at work. Darned that pride, right? All of us sharing dreams, sharing hope, sharing the reality of our fleshly struggles. This is beautiful. May He get ALL the glory of our dreams. Yes, celebrating with you!!!
Alia Joy recently posted..In Which I Dream Out Loud
Thank you, just… thank you.
Tonya Salomons recently posted..To Life
You too, friend. I have your post in my reader and have set it aside for tomorrow when I can sink down in my cozy chair with a good cup of coffee and make some time to read everyone’s dreams. Wish we could share dreams in real life…
Alia Joy recently posted..In Which I Dream Out Loud
I can so relate to this struggle. I have the same one. I don’t want to share my true dreams simply out of pride that I (big huge I) won’t be able to accomplish them. But it is God through us isn’t it?
Beautiful post. And i do hope you get to Africa someday!
Johanna Hanson recently posted..The Bible reading goal I don’t have
Ugggh so true. It’s all up to us isn’t it? It sounds so silly but yes, that’s a huge part of the internal struggle. Putting it in His hands and holding my dreams up but loosely. Allowing Him to lead me. Small steps. I’d love to hear your dreams, Johanna. Even if they were whispered real quiet.
Alia Joy recently posted..In Which I Dream Out Loud
Girl–I was scared too, and still am. Thank you for sharing this and be blessed:)
Scared of sharing or scared of the immensity of your dream? Or both?
Alia Joy recently posted..In Which I Dream Out Loud
Alia-Joy, you are stunning here, in your heart stretched wide . Oh, girl, you are on one amazing journey. And, in His faithfulness, He will surely continue to lead you, as He has, each step of of the way. Beautiful and so exciting. xo
Jennifer recently posted..When I speak aloud my God-sized dream
Squeeeee!
Alia Joy recently posted..In Which I Dream Out Loud
Alia…I love and understand this so well. The big dreams, the self-reliance, the fear of man. I totally get it. I say my dream is to write redemption stories, but I think what I really mean is I want to see people made whole. I want to be and live whole, but I’m not quite there (not that I ever will be this side of heaven) and I feel I have to be more whole before helping others. Anyways…
Here’s to big things and a big God!
Jessica recently posted..Here I am. Writing.
Jess, that’s a beautiful dream. Know why? Because it is the very heart of God. To redeem and make whole, to reunite and reconcile. And I think we move towards wholeness as He heals but yeah, there’s still imperfections until the Perfect comes. I’ve been thinking about the when we are in the right place to be effective in ministering to others and I’ve got some thoughts on that that I’m working on but as a general answer, we are ready to minister when we have accepted Christ and He brings people into our life. We may do some of it imperfectly but as believers we all reflect Him in us. I know it’s a bigger issue of maturity and wisdom than a pat answer but maybe that’s a whole other blog post….
Alia Joy recently posted..In Which I Dream Out Loud
Alia, doesn’t it absolutely suck that we always come from a place of brokenness? I’ve explained to God several times that I could be a much more effective mother if he would just allow me to be perfect. And same with being a writer or friend. Really, I feel like once I’ve dealt with something, shouldn’t I have learned it and move on? (I’m not even going to start on how I seem to expect that sort of thing from my kids.) But I’m e-babbling. All I’m trying to say is that once again it encourages me to see you fighting your way through struggles at all different levels of yourself. (That didn’t sound as friendly as I wanted it to, I think.) I feel like so much of me is a tangle of things that seem like they should be opposites like pride & insecurity. (Ok. I’m not sure now if I even have written a coherent comment, but I’ve been interrupted over and over and I guess online time is up! )
It’s so nice to hear your words again after the Christmas break! I’ve missed reading you!
Janice recently posted..God With Us
Yeah, I’ve had those conversations with God as well. And yeah… crickets. I think He has different ideas as evidenced by ummm my whole life.
Glad I’m not just babbling alone, it’s always better with company. Thanks, I’m glad to be back. Doing better.
Alia Joy recently posted..In Which I Dream Out Loud
This post is very inspiring and challenging. As my husband and I are about to set out on a new adventure, I am asking myself the same questions. Do I name the dreams and hopes I have for this year? Do I dare to assume that He will bless my efforts, when i should be focused on Him? Thanks for the heart check today. I needed it.
Sherry recently posted..Struggles and Clarity
Thanks Sherry. What kind of new adventure? I like to hear about adventures.
Alia Joy recently posted..In Which I Dream Out Loud
That constant back and forth, bastardizing of God-sized dreams by leaning too hard on our God-given strengths… it is THE challenge to living a dream for me. I really resonated with what you said here. It’s come to sitting down and asking God as I write, “what do you want to write today?” and before I speak, “what do you want to say today? where should I look during the talk? who am I here for right now?” This constant breathing-prayer-living. And on the days I don’t? Empty words, frustration, jealousy, blech. Lord, give us a deeper sense of YOU in our gifts so we can live shining your heart through them!
Yes! I have had that same dilemma many times and on those days, the blog often stays blank because I just can’t publish something. But I’d rather have an empty blog than an empty heart. I definitely need a stronger prayer life and a deeper sense of God’s presence most days. Thanks for commenting here, I’m excited to share dreams.
Alia Joy recently posted..In Which I Dream Out Loud
Alia- I could say that this is beautiful- and I would be absolutely right! But I know this same danger of feeding off of the praise of others- I get it! And yet, what a BEAUTIFUL thing for you to take this step, because you are not alone, dear friend, and these words need to be said.
Here’s the thing- your faithfulness in sharing this dream is not about us (although we are blessed by it!), but it is about you and God. And that is exciting!!! Can’t wait to see where God takes you!
Becky Daye recently posted..A Lifetime of Memories Captured
It’s such a trap, right? How we can take affirmation and encouragement and turn it into idolatry so quickly. How even in serving Him we can become prideful and depart from His provision. Speaking it out is part of the process. Repenting and waiting when it’s just not right. It is always about God and I and the rest is in His hands. Thanks friend, I am looking forward to what God has too!
Alia Joy recently posted..In Which I Dream Out Loud
Holy buckets…you really do get me.
and look at you…even when you bend low, you’re still authentic, raw, vulnerable, real, and brave…
Alia joy, you are beautiful. I see Him in you.
girl, you shine bright.
Nikki recently posted..The Calendar {Our Space to Create}
Oh, I am so glad to see your beautiful face here, Nikki. I’ve missed you, girl. I totally missed #FMF last week and it’s been so very long. Thanks for your kind words and I can’t wait to see you at Lisa Jo’s this week. Love you, friend.
Alia Joy recently posted..In Which I Dream Out Loud
Okay, not sure if I should tell you that I loved your honesty…but since we’re all friends, and almost everyone, if they are honest and an artist, probably struggles with pride, and your term “Basterdize”…If you really want to go to Africa, a couple at our church started a ministry, Kilgoris Project. In Kenya..check it out, if you are interested, let me know, I can make the introductions….Thanks for sharing your dream, Alia Joy
Dolly@Soulstops recently posted..What made me jump with surprise? And an invitation for you
Ha! Yes, I do think we all struggle with pride and insecurity. Especially those who are constantly putting their art out there for people to weigh in on. It’s so important to put those dreams on a strong foundation that doesn’t change with comments or analytics. I looked up the Kilgoris Project online. I’d love to hear more about what they’re doing. I don’t know what will be a match or an open door but I love to hear what God is doing and to partner in prayer for things so very close to my heart. I know God will make things clear as I’m faithful with what He’s put right in front of me. I’m really looking forward to talking more about dreams over at Holley’s site.
Alia Joy recently posted..Five Minute Friday: Dive
You know me & my simplicity, Alia. After reading your post yesterday these words from one of my favorite hymns kept singing sweetly to me; I knew they were for you.
“…& the things of this world grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.”
Knowing that you know the difference between the two. So very excited for you living your dreams
En+Joy
&
En+Grace.
Paula.
Paula Barnett recently posted..Begin Anew
Paula, I love that! And that song. Praying that the world grows dim as He shines. Thank you.
Alia Joy recently posted..Five Minute Friday: Dive
Alia,
This is just beautiful. The struggle you describe is known intimately by all of us…whether we admit it or not. I am believing with you that your dreams will be realized. You are on the journey. Keep pressing forward.
Jessica W recently posted..In Pursuit of Peace
Thanks Jessica! Can’t wait to see you again at Allume.
Alia Joy recently posted..Five Minute Friday: Dive
Every word you write speaks to my heart.
Thank you for your honesty.
I’m so glad, friend. I’m writing to myself and I’m so blessed that it spoke to others as well.
Alia Joy recently posted..Five Minute Friday: Dive
I am so very proud of you. You already do speak words of life to women through this blog–it’s your absolute honesty about your faith journey that shouts, “Jesus is worthy of anything! He–and not me–is who is at work here!” Cheering you on for speaking your dreams!
Deb Weaver
thewordweaver.com
Deb Weaver recently posted..We Are Not Alone, Even in the Dark
“what He works in me is more important than what He works through me, and that I have no control over the end result. That I may do great things, and no one may see them”
There is the truth of it.
Bless you!
Kimberley
Alia- this post just proves how brave and strong you are. Those insecurities about haring your dreams were knocked down with your words of affirmation and hope right here in this post. Ou, my friend, are destined or great things. I can’t wait I see these dreams come to fruition as Jesus manifests himself in your life.