Some of the first advice I received years ago as a first time mom was “pick your battles.“ Being a first time mom, I was determined to do an amazing job. I read the parenting books. I got this, I thought. I watched the temper tantrums that occurred in grocery checkouts over skittles and lollipops and vowed that my child would be well-disciplined, respectful, and obedient.
I couldn’t even fathom what the battles would be at that point. I wish I could go back and tell my 21-year-old self what I know now. Relax.
Fast forward two years and we are in Safeway, waiting for our prescription to be filled. Judah had developed another ear infection that wouldn’t go away. We had completely skipped his afternoon nap to take him to the doctor. We are finally checking out and he sees the M&M’s by the register. He begins to howl for them. HOWL. Like a tormented creature from the underworld. A screeching, thunderous assault on everyone’s eardrums. He is turning a purplish red with rage. Tears and snot are flowing down those cheeks. I want to grab a bag and just shut him up but I can see everyone’s eyes on me.
The gauntlet has been thrown. Will ghetto mom with the three-day old greasy ponytail and sweats give in to her screaming brat and reward him with candy?
I want to explain. He’s not usually like this. He has an ear infection and is in pain. He’s overtired from skipping his nap. He’s hungry from being in the store so long after coming from the doctors. I begin to babble some sort of explanation and grab the bag of candy. The old lady in line behind me raises her eyebrows and purses her lips in disapproval of my pitiful mothering skills. I am shamed and embarrassed by my child’s behavior. I’m embarrassed by the fact that I’m embarrassed. I rush to the car and buckle him in. By the time I have emptied my cart and start the car, he is sound asleep with dried tears and snot covering his cheeks. He is doing the snuffle cry breathing from all the screaming. He hasn’t touched the M&M’s.
Everything about mothering was a battle for me. I was so focused on being a good mother that I completely shut out the intuitive nature of being a mommy.
I cared that he would be spoiled. I cared that he was too noisy in restaurants even if he wasn’t misbehaving. The very child-likeness of him offended and embarrassed me when I was around others. Unless their children seemed to behave worse than mine, then I felt a sense of pride that at least my child wasn’t like that.
He was loud and busy. A mass of running, curious energy, assaulting me with all his questions and driving me to be ever shushing him. The child that was quirky and silly, with a quick wit and hilarious one liners , and whom I enjoyed when we were alone, became too much for me in the company of others. I was stressed and didn’t differentiate between childishness and disobedience.
A constant flow of correction would come from me that had nothing to do with actual bad behavior or sin on his part.
I equated being a good mother with superficial things like outward immediate obedience. Good mothers had children who came when they were called, never interrupted or asked for anything twice when already told “no,” and never ran around like wild animals.
When Judah was in the kindergarten class at our church, I volunteered to teach in the Sunday school. There was one particular boy who was homeschooled. His parents obviously spent a lot of time teaching him. He was like a pint-sized theologian who had some sort of talent for knowing every Bible story in-depth. He always had the memory verse to recite. He raised his hand at every question. He followed orders and lined up when I told him to. He said, “Yes, Mrs. Hagenbach,” when he was asked to do something. He called people sir and ma’am. He always said, “Please and thank you.” He irked me. Granted he was five and surely his parents were somewhat to blame for his impeccable manners but still.
You might think it strange that I was bothered by such a display of obedience but the truth is, he was self-righteous, even at five. Outwardly, I could find no obvious fault. But he smirked when someone else got the answer wrong or stumbled over a verse only to shoot up his hand to remedy the error. He elaborated on the Bible stories with fact after fact but didn’t get along with the other kids. He admonished the other kids in class if they spoke of a tv show they had seen or video games they had played. He told everyone that his parents didn’t believe in tv, or sugar, or public school. Constantly implying that you were somehow less righteous if you did watch cartoons, eat ice cream or were not home schooled. His parents were raising a pharisee.
I often think of that boy when I decide which battles to fight. When I am worn out from disciplining my kids and things come out of my mouth like, ” don’t wipe your booger on your brother, that’s not funny,” or, “stop peeing in the yard!” I have to ask myself have I been picking too many battles. Is it a heart issue? Is it dangerous to them? Are they sinning? Am I simply disciplining because I am annoyed by them?
Is this the cleaning of the inside or the outside of the cup? If I only concentrate on cleaning the outside, then my children will be fabulously behaved for now. They will give me pride and not embarrass me in public but their hearts will probably be full of hypocrisy.
If I clean the inside, I will have fewer battles. I’ll save my energy for the bigger heart issues and sins, and yes, my children will sometimes embarrass me. But not because they’re unloving, judgmental, or cruel. They often embarrass me because they have been known to run around like wild animals, or interrupt occasionally, or to copy my sense of humor, which should not be repeated in public, lest someone think our whole family a bit off.
I stop to ask myself, why is this worth dealing with? If it’s pride [what will this look like to someone] I try to extend grace.
I find I enjoy them so much more when I am allowing them the grace to be themselves in all of their own glorious awkward individuality and picking my battles only over the things that fit in the cup.
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Beautiful. This should be required reading for every parent!
Thanks. I know, I wish someone had pulled me aside and told me then, what I would come to realize all these years later. It would’ve saved a lot of stress and grief. Thanks so much for visiting my blog and leaving a comment.
So true! Sometimes it’s so hard to not get influenced by all the “advice” that’s out there. There’s so much of the worldliness to sift through in our culture that tell us to do this or that to raise our kids right so they can be successful in this life. Then, there’s so much of this “Christian culture” that says we should do this or that to raise our kids right, for them to still have worldly success, but maybe with some depth of character and conviction. We’re daily bombarded with both extremes. Neither of which are truly biblical and God’s call for us in this world. The hard part is the wisdom on how to sift, sift, sift, sift…and sift.
In truth God calls us to shape the heart first, as you are saying and yes raise them with confidence and chances for opportunity and “success.” To do this, while establishing the foundations that ALL things are THROUGH Christ and FOR Christ. With all of the “rights and wrongs” we’ve shaped through our American culture combined with our Christian American culture, I ask the question, “Are we raising kids that will triumph when difficulties come, pick up and carry the cross for Christ, reject the lies of the world that will clothe them in filthy rags to put on the righteousness of Christ and be clothed in His beautiful white garments, who will stand up for the truth of God when this world rejects Him and those who are His, which may mean sacrificing success and comfort and popularity?” When I look around at this next generation they seem to be few and far between. And our generation, who are doing the raising, are struggling to know how. The foundation is always right in front of us in the word of God. Maybe it’s not a spelled out list in every area, but like you said it tells us all about the human heart and how God interacts and works with us, humans. We have a SOLID basis for the foundational truths in which all of life should flow out of, and often we come to that last! After we’ve gotten bit, picked and prodded by the world, friends, the “so-called” best advice. God gives us what we need for our individuality and our children’s. We need to remember that more often and be continually filled by His wisdom and grace! And relax and rest in Him and what He has called us to do. To be confident that He has given and will give us all that we need to do the things He puts before us. That’s often the struggle!
Amen sister!
This is so wonderful! Wow!
Thanks Jen. It’s hard to remember sometimes for me, now that he is eleven, and has major embarassing-boy-moment capabilities. I am constantly reminding myself to remain humble and not worry so much about my own pride when he is acting like well…. an eleven year old boy.
Wow. I love this so much. So many parts of it I felt like you were writing it for me. I have two little boys, and I can’t tell you how many times I have disciplined them because of what others might think of their behavior. They weren’t being bad, or disobedient. They were just being boys. But too often, I worry that people will think I don’t have it under control, so I discipline for actions that don’t require discipline, and then I feel guilty. After one such evening at my parents house, my Mom called me and said, “you know we don’t think your boys are bad, right? They weren’t being bad, they’re just full of energy, and that’s ok”. I need to remind myself of that in future situations, and learn to let go of the fear of what others might think. Thank you for posting this
I know. I think it is so common for moms, especially of young boys, to feel that the energy they have is somehow a bad reflection on us or that it means that our children are out of control. My oldest, who I wrote about, is 11 now and my youngest is 2. He is super busy but I’m so much more relaxed now and it makes a huge difference both in my stress level and in my enjoyment of him. Thanks so much for stopping by my blog. I’ll see you in Nashville.
Great post! I shared similar words with a close friend just few days ago.
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Thanks Latonya.
Oh Alia, I hear you!!! I spent all of my childhood as the “bad seed” square peg being pounded incessantly into a round hole. To the point that, were it not for the striking resemblance between Isaac and his cousin Zach, I would still be convinced I was adopted.
I told my 23 and 25 year old self that I couldn’t possibly be the parent they needed and begged God to keep them. I don’t have perfect children but I am grateful to say that I have children who are welcome to grow at the pace GOD dictates and not the one my selfish, impatient heart insists on forcing on them.
I can’t tell you how many young moms I’ve seen struggle as they stand in lines and try to cajole little, tired, angry children who don’t have the words or power to say “take me home!!”. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked at them, said, “I’ve been there. You are going to be ok.” Because no one bothered to do that for me.
Maybe they think I’m being a busy body. Most of the time they smile. And relax a little bit.
Love this and I really am enjoying your writing.
Thanks Heidi. I think your boys are wonderful and such amazing individuals. I can see how much you love them and I admire how you have cultivated your tight relationship with them. They are truly wonderful young men. I am so glad Judah has their friendship, and I’m glad to have yours.
Mutual admiration society commencing… Sorry, compliments make me awkward.
Btw, you inspired me. I had to write about parenting too. And I am not a very good mommy-blogger…
Well, Alia, your writing has captivated me again. Within the first couple paragraphs I was doing the Judah cry, although there’s no ear infection to blame (I could probably use a nap, though.) It’s an encouragement to hear how someone having similar experiences handles them. Keep ‘em coming–apparently there’s no one in my near vicinity that struggles with this stuff, so this is all I’ve got to keep me from the loony bin! Hehehe!
Oh yes, boy moms unite. Have you ever checked out MOB society? It’s a blog for mothers of boys and there are A LOT of women that can relate to these experiences. I’ve been really blessed with it as I try to wrangle these little men.
I will check it out. “The very child-likeness of him offended and embarrassed me when I was around others.” In the last few years I’ve realized this same thing about raising my older son (younger one doesn’t seem to be cut from the same cloth), and I carry a load of guilt that at times feels overwhelming. I tend to protect myself by withdrawing, though, because general census shows people would rather have the Little Pharisee around than the child who asks uncomfortable questions at inconvenient times or gives the guest a Dutch Oven (okay, we had to have a little chat about that one.) Your writing on discipling our kids has been revolutionary, btw. Thx for the info!
“When Judah was in the kindergarten class at our church, I volunteered to teach in the Sunday school. There was one particular boy who was homeschooled. His parents obviously spent a lot of time teaching him. He was like a pint-sized theologian who had some sort of talent for knowing every Bible story in-depth. He always had the memory verse to recite. He raised his hand at every question. He followed orders and lined up when I told him to. He said, “Yes, Mrs. Hagenbach,” when he was asked to do something. He called people sir and ma’am. He always said, “Please and thank you.” He irked me. Granted he was five and surely his parents were somewhat to blame for his impeccable manners but still.
You might think it strange that I was bothered by such a display of obedience but the truth is, he was self-righteous, even at five. Outwardly, I could find no obvious fault. But he smirked when someone else got the answer wrong or stumbled over a verse only to shoot up his hand to remedy the error. He elaborated on the Bible stories with fact after fact but didn’t get along with the other kids. He admonished the other kids in class if they spoke of a tv show they had seen or video games they had played. He told everyone that his parents didn’t believe in tv, or sugar, or public school. Constantly implying that you were somehow less righteous if you did watch cartoons, eat ice cream or were not home schooled. His parents were raising a pharisee.”
*****It makes me sad the way you have described this boy. There is no grace in your tone or words for him or his parents. It is so easy for 5 year olds to be little pharisees, as it is for 40 year olds to be big ones. I hope that you can reread what you have written and see how it may sound. I agree with much of what you have said but this portion takes over. Let’s not all pounce on this poor 5 year old that is doing what comes so naturally to man.
I am sorry that you’re grieved by my treatment on this subject. Know that my heart isn’t to ridicule him for the natural tendency of his flesh, which I agree, we are so inclined to. But rather, to shed light on the fact that not only was he doing what came naturally to him, he was being trained to do so. Yes, we are all sinful selfish creatures. We desire our own glory. Which is why I think it is so essential as mothers to really pursue God’s heart in all that we try to instill in them. Not just the law but the grace from which we should be motivated. I can truly say that it is as much an admonishment to myself as it is to anyone else. When we parent out of a place that focuses solely on outward behavior, usually due to our own pride and insecurities, instead of focusing on God’s grace stirring true conviction and repentance, we produce hypocrisy. While my words may have sounded harsh, I believe that hypocrisy is one of the cancers within the body of Christ and self righteousness is one of the worst forms of idolatry because it blinds us to our sin and our need for a savior. We may not even realize that we have so utterly missed the mark. The Pharisees considered themselves above reproach but Jesus saw the wickedness in them. Also, this boy did not get his ideation from his own thoughts but from a systematic teaching of the difference between the sinners and the saved. The good guys do this and the bad guys do that, failing to see that we are all bad guys. There is none righteous, no not one. Our righteousness is accounted to us only through Christ’s blood, nothing more. My only hope was to inspire questioning of our motives when we decide which things we should spend most of our energy on. I hope that clarifies my heart on the subject. I appreciate you sharing your concern and although I may disagree to an extent, I do hope that I haven’t offended you. Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts.
“Am I simply disciplining because I am annoyed by them?” Ohhhh, so convicting. Thanks for this post. It’s about all three of my kids and myself . I hate that I feel the embarrassment. That I shy away from dinners out and such because I’m nervous the kids will be too loud. And my kids aren’t usually bad and loud, just silly and loud. But what if I offend the stuffy old lady at the next table because my daughter wants to tell (another) story about Thomas the Train, complete with sound effects??? Yeah, this post was for me. Thank you.
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I hear you. My son Judah, who I wrote this post about is now 11 years old and I am still reminding myself that immaturity and childishness is not the same as sin or disobedience and I need to ignore the stuffy old ladies opinions if my kids are truly not at fault. And believe me, we’ve had our share of sound effects also. LOL.
So, Since I didn’t agree with you, you deleted my comments?
Phyllis, I actually have no record of your comment. I went through my spam folder to see if it got flagged and there are no deleted emails that aren’t spam. My statcounter also shows only one comment being made from your username. Perhaps you didn’t hit the post comment button? Did you actually see the comment post on the page after you hit the button?
I welcome comments of all sorts including those who don’t agree with me. This is my space and I will delete any comments that have foul language, personal attacks, or are generally rude for the sake of being rude.
I have only had to delete one comment so far, and there have been a few that have disagreed with me, including on this very post.
If you would like to resubmit your comment, I would be happy to address whatever issues you feel in regards to this post.
Alia Joy, I sent you a reply via e-mail. Thanks.
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