I fear the tipping point when dreams placed within me become less about Him and more about me. Because I’ve seen it happen. I know it’s ugly. I fear that the very makeup and fibers of my being are wrung tight and prone to catapult and tip lopsided and I sway under the searching of my heart. I want it clean but know the pain of having it scoured by Him.
I fear the times when I shrink back from His voice because the call costs too much, because if I step out, I am not promised success. I am not promised results and I want to hold fruit in my hands, ripe and grown and behold ground tilled and fertile and feel the callous of my work-worn hands that testify to my faithfulness.
I fear my heart is deceitful above all else and it doesn’t wrestle so hard with flesh when it just gives in. And we all want to give in sometimes.
A lulled apathy captures hearts that don’t care, covering like thick film and making hazy the scorching light of truth that cauterizes every wicked nonchalance.
This apathy lives in striking contrast to the fervent striving that comes with a passionate heart, pulsing furiously and always wanting to be the champion. The heart of a fighter, undisciplined and bloodthirsty.
How I vacillate between the two. I am both slumberer and fighter. I am always scrambling for constancy. For wisdom.
I fear myself.
My chief of sinners heart. Pride and insecurity laying traps along the way.
Lord, give me just enough, not too much that I turn to glorify myself, not so little that I despair, but just enough that I will need you to sustain me in everything.
Because that is my fear, that I will attempt to do it alone.
I fear I will think my results matter and not my refinement.
I fear what I produce is more important that what I practice.
I fear if I come up empty or grasping, He has failed me.
I fear that I may work and see no fruit or harvest in this lifetime. That in chasing God sized dreams, I have to awaken to the possibility that what He purposes is good. That what He wants is faithfulness and sometimes faithfulness looks like long-suffering. Sometimes faithfulness looks like incredible perseverance and patience.
Sometimes faithfulness looks a lot like mediocrity and the mundane drone of living your life well and on purpose. Sometimes it looks like ordinary.
Because sometimes I fear I want the harvest, a bounty of evidence that what I do matters, but I don’t want to labor in faithfulness.
Sometimes I fear myself.
I’m linking up with Holley Gerth and her dream team in pursuing God sized Dreams together. This weeks prompt was: What’s one fear you’ve encountered on the way to your God-sized dream? And what’s the truth that’s bigger than that fear?
oh girl…this is so good! “Lord, give me just enough, not too much that I turn to glorify myself, not so little that I despair, but just enough that I will need you to sustain me in everything.” – amen, amen, amen
crystal recently posted..God Sized Dreams: The Fear
Thanks Crystal. I think it’s all of our prayers as we lead and learn.
It’s so difficult to balance the wanting and the working faithfully, with or without reward. You’ve given me a lot to think about.
Kimberly recently posted..When you feel anything but brave
Amen! It is a balance and it’s one we need the Holy Spirit to help us with because it’s so hard to be passionate without being consumed. I’m thinking and praying through it all too. Glad we’re all in this together.
This —> Sometimes faithfulness looks a lot like mediocrity and the mundane drone of living your life well and on purpose. Sometimes it looks like ordinary. —> This I needed today – I struggle with thinking that the path to my dreams needs to be fantastical and large with pulsing lights shows and flashing symbols… and I forget that my ordinary and my mundane are so very important… So thank you friend for this reminder…
Tonya Salomons recently posted..Cloudy Vision
I agree. I sometimes think of super human heroics and I want to make this huge impact but if I’m not faithful with the little things, how will I handle the responsibility that comes with more? I am learning faithfulness in the everyday. Yes, your ordinary and mundane are so very important.
Alia, you spoke right to my heart, and brought tears to my eyes. So beautiful. So true. Thank you.
Sarah recently posted..Fear Not
Thank you Sarah, I’m glad it spoke to your heart as well as mine.
You have put words to a struggle that is so real for all of us! You are pointing us back to Him, thank you for sharing your heart.
Janine recently posted..maybe it’s praise
Thank you Janine. Pointing back to Him. Yes, that is my prayer for my own heart as well.
Im singing Shaun Groves’ song in my head “Enough”. Yes, this is my heart too. How beautifully you share yours here. Love you, girlfriend.
Kris recently posted..On Letting Your Faith Outgrow Your Fear
Thanks Kris! I don’t think I know that song. Now I’ll have to look it up.
Right now, I’m afraid that I’ll end up under a bridge somewhere, dirty, with matted hair and broken fingernails, hours away from starvation, muttering to myself, “I’m faithful, right, Jesus? Right?”
Cynthia recently posted..Unashamed: Part Deux
Oh Cynthia, I know that mentality. When will my service of God be enough? How far do I have to persevere to be seen as faithful. There are times when the most faithful thing we could possibly do is rest. Just relax into Him and cease all striving and purpose and just be His. I know that when I am in times of depression, as I often find myself, the grace to just be in the middle of doubt and need and fear and even anger and hurt, have been the place where my soul goes limp and can be filled again. Praying for you still and hoping you are seeing brighter days ahead.
Wow. This is me all the way. Truth be told…one of my greatest fears is the responsibility of possible success. Sometimes it feels like I’m sabotaging myself just ever so subtly to keep from having to face the possibility of going “full throttle” ….help me Jesus.
Lorretta recently posted..One!
Yes, there is so much responsibility in everything we are given and I sometimes feel very ill equipped to handle any of it. I worry about pleasing people if I just can’t do it all. Or possibly hurting someone because the bigger things get, the less time I have… It can be overwhelming for sure but the promise we have is wisdom, should we ask for it. So, I am pleading for it , as well as humility, to know which paths to take and which to steer clear of. You’ve got it right, “help me Jesus!”
‘I fear what I produce is more important that what I practice’. OOhhhhh this resonates with me. I have this struggle too. I’m learning it is more about the journey…..
You write so beautifully and fully.
Fiona recently posted..Holding on to the glorious
It is so much more about the journey but don’t we all get caught up in the results side of things? I know I do all the time. I think a lot of it is cultural and a lot of it is human nature. We want something to show for what we do and we’re all trying to prove something to someone, even if it’s just ourselves. Freedom from that, is where the peace of God comes in. Constantly reminding myself of this as well!
Alia, your words get me at the gut–the heart places that need to hear truth and beauty. Please promise you will always, always write. We need your strong glory voice.
Holley Gerth recently posted..When the Road to Your Dream Holds Unwelcome Views
Thank you Holley, for all that you do every day to encourage women toward God and for this inspiration to commit our dreams to His hands. I’ve felt so much freedom just speaking them aloud. Even if I have no idea how they’ll look in the long run. And I will always write. It’s a part of me and how I process the world, without these worlds, I’d be an emotional time bomb.
But thank you for your encouragement there as well. It’s a huge blessing.
So powerfully true and honest and raw and real… and this: “Sometimes faithfulness looks a lot like mediocrity and the mundane drone of living your life well and on purpose. Sometimes it looks like ordinary. ” Sometimes faithfulness looks a lot like ordinary! Yes!!! I will remind myself of this in the midst of dishes and laundry and the daily part of life that can be so bossy and so – unglamorous! But you? Ordinary? No girl… not with this gift of stringing words together that can pierce the heart and stir the soul!
~Karrilee~ recently posted..Silencing those Fears with Truth!
Uggh, yes laundry and dishes have a way of making it seem as though life is redundant and lacking meaning. Sometimes I think that I could be doing so much more. But then I try to remind myself of my family and the things God has put before me in the here and now, and I know that He could care less about me being a big deal, writing or otherwise, if I don’t serve with my whole heart. He cares about me being faithful and obedient. And yes, that often means laundry and dishes.
But I’ll always love writing with you gals. It’s the cream on top! 
That is one great prayer, Alia Joy; I can relate
….As I read your post, it made me think of a book I am reading now, Anonymous: Jesus’ Hidden Years and Yours by Alicia Britt Chole. So glad to have “met” you 
Dolly@Soulstops recently posted..When fear meets the truth…
I haven’t heard of that. I’ll have to check it out. Do you like it so far?
I’m glad to have ‘met’ you as well.
I do like it so far. I bought it after hearing the author speak on a Saturday Women’s Retreat…here is my post about her talk, which will give you an idea about the book’s big idea, and whether you might be interested http://soulstops.com/post/2013/01/30/When-the-Light-breaks-through-the-darkness.aspx We also filled out part of a chart, which helped to visualize better what is in the book. Let me know what you think…
Dolly@Soulstops recently posted..When fear meets the truth…
Lord, give me just enough, not too much that I turn to glorify myself, not so little that I despair, but just enough that I will need you to sustain me in everything. <— THIS. Just this today. That I would glorify Him in everything. That I would depend on Him for everything. That I would lose myself in all of it and see nothing but Him. Oh friend. Once again so thankful for you and your words that reach deep into my heart and pull out truth. Love you much.
Wendy recently posted..Flat Jared Goes Orange
Thankful for you too, Wendy. I see your hearts desire to glorify Him in everything, and I’m blessed to call you friend too. Love you and your heart.