It’s that time of the week again, when we let our words fly and take shape for the fun of it.
1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking
2. Link back to The Gypsy Mama and invite others to join in.
3. Please visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments.
OK, are you ready? Give me your best five minutes on:
::
Real…
God never place us in any position in which we can not grow. We may fancy that He does. We may fear we are so impeded by fretting, petty cares that we are gaining nothing; but when we are not sending any branches upward, we may be sending roots downward. Perhaps in the time of our humiliation, when everything seems a failure, we are making the best kind of progress.- Elizabeth Prentiss
Sometimes I feel stuck. The days seem to repeat endlessly and each trial continues and each step feels as though I am retracing a path with tracks from my drifting heart . Sometimes I find myself in familiar surroundings and I wonder at how I have allowed myself to come back here. To this place that I thought I had moved beyond.
We talk of getting real. Of letting each other lean in close and see us as we are, the no makeup greasy ponytail girl staring into a full closet of clothes that no longer fit and deciding it’s not worth going out today.
The weight watchers name tag, Hello My Name is Alia sticker you found on the back of your jeans when you undressed at night and you realize you ran all of your errands since your meeting that morning with it stuck to your butt. And that one of those errands was buying ice cream and cake mix because you weighed in and the scale was mocking your hard work and you give up so easily.
Your toddler saying “Put me down you idiot,” at a homeschool ceremony while he struggles to get free of your grasp and you know he learned that word from you and your road rage. And you wonder how these kids of yours will ever turn out alright when they copy you so readily. And the worst parts always seem to come out.
And you feel like a failure. Again.
Some days you feel the draw of depression pulling you down. The invitation to stop caring. To stop trying and just close your eyes and your bed is calling you, it is pleading for you to stay. It would be so much easier. And you find yourself there again. In this place you’ve moved beyond and you know you don’t want to stay here. You know that this is where your heart goes to die. To be alone.
You want to be real but you also want to be loved. And sometimes you don’t feel the real is lovable. Sometimes the real is messy and pitiful or weak and broken.
Sometimes your real feels whiny and complaining and you know you should choose joy but what comes out sounds fake and syrupy and you don’t want to be that girl. The one who never seems real, with the platitudes and life lessons wrapped up neatly. The one who never lets the messy bits show.
So you choose to keep silent and alone and settle into this familiar place. Or you may choose to tell it all. To let the messy bits show and hope for the best, to set out on the path even if you’re not sure where you’ll end up.
Sometimes it is enough to say that I am a failing in these areas. And that God is at work. And that is good enough. The best, really. God knows our real, our ruts in the road from life’s ordeals, why would we try to hide them from the ones He’s put in our lives to help us find the way back? Our friends.
To all of my friends who cover my messy parts and still love me, I’m so blessed by each of you.
I had to laugh about the “road rage” words. Yeah, that’s me. :/ But I especially appreciated this line “you know you should choose joy but what comes out sounds fake and syrupy and you don’t want to be that girl.” So true. I am a happy person but it seems that our world only thinks complaining is real. Thanks for putting these thoughts down. I was blessed to see I’m not the only one.
Sara H recently posted..Five Minute Friday: Real
Sara, It’s great you’re a happy person. I definitely think some people just lean toward optimism and things roll off of their backs easily. I think as Christians we are supposed to choose joy, choose grace, and choose to be thankful no matter what is going on with our circumstances. But I also think that to be authentic is necessary and when we admit our failings, or weakness, and our struggles, not in complaining but in honesty, we find healing and community together. Thanks so much for stopping by here and sharing.
This post really struck deeply with me, especially the line “You know that this is where your heart goes to die. ” I have bipolar with more depressed episodes than manic episodes. Your description of those depressed feelings was right on with what I feel.
Thanks for sharing your reality!
Anita Simpson recently posted..5-Minute Friday — What is Real?
Anita, I’m both happy and sad that you can relate. Sad for you that you suffer from this but happy that you know that you are not alone. My heart goes out to you as you struggle with those highs and lows. Depression can be so isolating and it’s good to know we are understood in the midst of it. Thanks for sharing here. Blessings to you.
Oh my, how I see myself in these words. How I say things and then pray my 3-year-old will never say the same words.
Thanks for sharing your real. As someone who also struggles with depression, it’s REALLY hard to let it out there. But I promise it helps others.
Jessie
Vanderbilt Wife recently posted..How to Save Big Bucks on Printer Ink Cartridges
Yes, not only say them but shout them in front of a whole group of quiet homeschool parents and their obedient children. LOL. Humbling to say the least. I am so glad that my struggles help others. It’s hard to write from that place but it’s freeing to put it all out there and risk it all for connection. I’m glad you connected. Thanks.
“You want to be real but you also want to be loved.” Alia, God has truly given you a gift with words and putting your real self out there in your blog posts. I often see myself in your posts. I know those exact feelings, but I have a hard time sharing them. Thank you for sharing these personal thoughts.
Paula recently posted..Journey to a Healthier Me : Half-Way There
Thanks Paula, your words mean a lot and are so much the reason that I’ve grown to love blogging. To see your own triumphs and trials in another person binds us all together. I have felt the same way reading about your journey and inspired at the steps you’re taking and your heart. You bless me.
Oh Alia Joy, We’re all failing in some area (and most of us in a lot of areas!) Regret can drown mamas–it nearly did me last fall. That’s when we have to fall into the arms of the One who redeems our failures and our mistakes and who makes something good out of our messes. You are beautiful when you are real. Jesus radiates from you to the rest of us in that same boat. You help me to be more transparent. Thank you.
Deb Weaver recently posted.."Workbench"
Thanks Deb, seriously so moved by all of your comments and your support. I am learning hard grace and each time I open up and let God and others in, He honors it with people who bless, love, and accept me. Grateful.
Oh I hate when my kids mimic what I’ve said. Especially when they repeat my tone of voice exactly. It’s so heartbreaking to be forced to see how imperfect I am and that my imperfections affect the ones I love. And then it’s hard to notice that the sweet things they say are often imitations of me as well.
I first found 5 Minute Fridays through your site and have wanted to do one for a while, so today I did! I have to say you can write much more than I can in 5 minutes!
Janice recently posted..Five Minute Friday – Real
Janice, I am so glad you went for it! I love 5 minute Fridays and I must say that I had an advantage this week because I have been thinking about “real” since my (in)RL meetup last weekend and when my fingers hit the keyboard it all just came out. Some weeks flow better than others as you will see if you follow my 5 minutes. It just feels good to write something without trying to form it just right and I love hopping around to others posts and seeing how God is working in them and what comes out of their 5 minutes. I have found a great community in these 5 minutes at The Gypsy Mama and I’m glad you’re a part of it too!
This is so real and so honest and so, yeah, all of that and more.
Janelle
Thanks Janelle. It’s nice to have you back here.