This weeks word: Quiet
I stand quiet and still as the nurse pushes the small silver scale along looking for a balance that I have never found.
She jots down the number on my chart. Asks me my height, fixes the cuff on my arm and I feel the constriction. The pressure pushing in on me.
I hate doctors appointments. Partly because the role of patient is one I’ve had far too many times in my life.
So I sit patiently.
There is no clock in here. No hands to show how time goes by for those who wait in cold blue paper gowns, crinkling and open wide and exposing.
And I know that the rap on the door will come and she’ll walk in and sit. Flip open her chart and ask me the questions I’ve avoided all year.
“How are you doing with your depression? What are you doing for exercise? How is your diet going?”Knowing all well that the answers to that and so much more were answered from the first step on that cold metal scale toppling into loss. Sliding right farther and farther.And I know that these struggles have nothing to do with a number, but everything to do with my soul. A spirit still so wounded.
I know that in the quiet the voice that opens my mouth wide is one of self loathing and I bite down hard on those morsels of disdain. And I swallow hard and let remorse sink into my pit and swell large and gestate into a full-grown thing that eats away at me.
And I’ve birthed babies from this belly. I’ve grown to love the scars that dip and flower on my skin, a badge for my burgeoning mother body. But those days are done and now I carry this weight with me, an armor against those looks. That interest from a man. That creeping of eyes over my flesh, feeling vulnerable and childlike, five again, and so frail. This weight speaks volume, shouts in the quiet and keeps me caged.
And I hear the rap, and the door cracks open, and I know that in this silence, God is calling me to hear Him again. Hear Him and believe.
Thanks for joining in today, for those who are new to this, Five Minute Friday is the time when brave, beautiful, artists join in sharing unfiltered words, stories, lives, and hearts with each other.
The rules are simple. Read the prompt. Write. Free. Unedited, don’t hold back, just let the words go. Five Minutes. Link. Share. Encourage.
It’s a community of brilliance, beauty, and bona-fide friendships. Join in over at our fearless leaders site, Lisa Jo Baker, who rocks this thing week after week and always shares her chocolate.
I love it when you help spread the word and share with friends.
Oh, you have a way with words. My heart stopped at that first line, and I read it over and over, soaking it in. Me too. Thanks for bearing your heart so openly.
Kayse recently posted..Quiet { Five Minute Friday }
Thanks for visiting me, Kayse. I appreciate it.
Wow Alia~so personal and raw. There is poetry in those words. I pray you continue to find healing in the quiet moments and in the mothering moments. And keep writing!
Juanita Dueck recently posted..~Quiet? No, Not Really {Another Five Minute Friday post}
Thanks Juanita. I am praying right alongside you.
I flinch every time I’m i the doctor’s office and have to touch all that cold stainless steel on the scales and on the exam table and at the end of his stethoscope. I swear I believe most doctors was their hands in cold water just before they knock on my door, I think they all feel a twinge of excitement when their steel meets my arm or leg or back. They must take a course on aggravating patients with cold steel in med school. Those are cruel snickers from the doctors as they grin when we grimace at the touch.Good post. Memories of the doctor’s office is are not too pleasant. But, hey, I usually get well when I go in. I don;t do those sliding scales, though. I’m usually layered wen I go in so they add pounds Im not reallly. And my nurses always shout out the numbers so loyd the office across the streetr can hear them. No quiet there.
enjoyed your blog. Thanks for sharing.
Steven Sawyer recently posted..The Quiet After The Snow
Thanks Steven.
I will never get tired of hearing from you. Great job Alia.
Lorretta recently posted..the sacred of {quiet}
You my friend, are good for the soul.
I’m glad to have you around these parts, friend.
Alia Joy…you are beautiful indeed! On the inside AND the outside! Your tender heart shows through your tender eyes (and I know because I’ve seen them in person!) and how can anyone not love you for who you are? Don’t let the eyes of others judge you…trust the eyes of your Father and those who see you through them.
Mindy @ New Equus – A New Creation recently posted..Be still and know. (Five Minute Friday)
Thanks Mindy, I wish we had gotten more time to talk and connect at Allume. It all went by so fast! And thanks for your encouragement. It’s been a rough week for me and this Friday community has done me well.
Yours is a beautiful spirit. You remind me so much of myself. I despise the scale. Much of my self esteem issues are related to my weight. Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly.
Barbie recently posted..Quiet My Soul
Oh Barbie, so sorry you can relate, it really stinks but so glad to know I am not alone. Thanks, friend. That means a lot right now.
I’m in awe of what you can do in five minutes. And the beauty you can create out of your pain. God bless you on your journey as you seek balance and healing.
Thanks Kimberly, I appreciate you taking the time to comment and encourage here.
Amazing and beautiful – thank you for being so vulnerable.
Thanks Leah.
What a raw, beautiful piece. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Claire recently posted..Five Minute Friday: Quiet
Thank you for stopping by and reading and for taking the time to comment.
You write with such vulnerable abandon. I would have never known you struggled with these issues even having roomed with you for a weekend. Personally, I think you are gorgeous, you have the most amazing eyes but aside from looks, you made me feel comfortable and secure in your presence to the tune of a few damns the last day when I was exhausted from the constant chatter of 420 voices at a Christian girls conference. You write to your daughter telling her she’s beautiful in every way, now to discover that for yourself? Well that’s my prayer for you.
Rachel M. recently posted..Notes from Relevant 2011
Thanks Rachel. That’s really my prayer for me as well. Sometimes easier said than done in this world and a process God has been walking me through all the days I can remember. I am so glad you felt comfortable, I did too. It worked out really well and I was glad that I could be myself
I think I write a lot more openly than I talk in real life, simply because who drops all their baggage when you first meet someone? But yeah, it’s there, under the surface and it comes out at weird times, like on doctors scales or shopping trips or Monday mornings…. This life stuff is hard sometimes but God is so good. I know this. Thanks for your encouragement, it means a lot to me, friend.
I want to say what Kimberly said. You always wow me with your writing. Today it was moving to get a sense of some of your story – I think I will have to read more of your story – it left me wanting more.
Praying that God will continue to come into the cracks, and that that will be okay. Much love x
Tanya Marlow recently posted..When God’s love language is serving
Thanks Tanya. I really appreciate that and I love the beauty that comes from yours as well. I am always inspired when I see God work in the pain and mess. It’s glorious and broken and it shows just how big He really is without always tying up platitudes and pretending that it’s never rough. If you want more of my story start with this series. http://narrowpathstohigherplaces.com/category/decluttering-2/ and I am continuing to write in in bits and pieces on here.
I love your writing.
denise recently posted..Five Minute Friday/Quiet
Thanks Denise.
You speak volumes in 5 minutes. Your words – and you, sweet friend – are beautiful. Praying God’s presence and peace over your day.
crystal recently posted..Five Minute Friday: Quiet
Thanks Crystal, just had a kind of bummer week and your face and support here means a lot.
This is incredibly beautiful and even more so considering you wrote it in 5 minutes. I look forward to connecting with you in April!!
Mary
Mary recently posted..5 minute Friday
Yes Mary! I can’t wait. I feel like it’s such a God thing because there are so many beautiful women there who I have met or never met or want to meet and I know His hand is on this whole thing. We can remedy our not meeting at Allume.
Beautiful write. I can feel the doctor’s office and those stupid paper coverings. And I while my story is different, there are aches from life that win the daily battle and I need to hear Him too. Thank you.
Laura @ Pruning Princesses recently posted..Hearing His Voice in the Noise
Thanks Laura. Those paper gowns are so stupid aren’t they? What is the point of them? As if we didn’t feel exposed enough we get a teeny tiny paper towel to put on. lol. Thanks for visiting and I hope you hear Him speak in those places where you need His voice. Blessings to you.
Thanks for being real and vulnerable here…Oh those voices of self-loathing and hatred…I fought those for years myself…I pray you can start again to hear His whispers of love for you…how much He cares for you…that He sees you …all of you and He wants you to know His love…blessings to you as HE continues to woo you~
Thanks so much. That is my prayer, my hope. I want to believe what I know He’s spoken over and in me. Just thank you.
beautiful words, authentic vulnerability. thank you for sharing that inner work that He is doing day by day!
Thank you for stopping by here, Dina. Always glad to meet new readers.
O’ Alia Joy, I am with you right now. Arms outstretched. Comforting that child within.
You, the amazing gift from God who blesses us with your story. Told from the depths of your soul. Unmistakably touching the soul of all others.
I love that you know your Truth. I love that you know who you really are. I love that you are allowing this recognition. This realization. To unfold in your life.
Most of all,
I love you.
Paula Barnett recently posted..Grace {The Quiet that I am}
Paula, you know every time I see your name, I know some amazing encouragement and grace is going to follow. You are a gift friend and I love you right back. Truly.
Oh, Alia……..the healing always starts when admit there’s pain. You are doing a good job listening. Thank you for sharing this with us–May God continue the work He has begun in you!
Thank you Jody.
You brave, brave woman! Alia if I could capture half you vulnerability into my pinky finger.
Thank you friend and this… just this has me swelling with hope “And I hear the rap, and the door cracks open, and I know that in this silence, God is calling me to hear Him again. Hear Him and believe.” – Thank you friend – and praying hard, kneeling prayers for you today friend as you continue to hear and believe.
Tonya Salomons recently posted..5 Minute Friday – Quiet
Tonya, I am just crying as I read through these comments. Really had the worst kind of week, struggling. And this, these encouragements are just His beautiful grace to me. Thanks friend, I couldn’t have asked for better friends to come alongside me when I’m hurting.
I long to hear me again too. I mean to audibly and vividly hear again where there is no confusion. A moment where you know that you know He spoke. Blessings sweet friend.
Positively Alene recently posted..quiet a riot.
Thank you Alene. That we would know in our spirit what He has said and believe it with our hearts. Yes!
Vivid and real. I’m pretty sure that is every one of your posts. Thanks for a bold 5 minutes. It is beautiful friend.
Jessica recently posted..5 Minute Friday: Quiet
Thanks Jessica, miss you and that sweet baby girl. Allume feels like a really long time ago, so much has happened.
So lovely, Alia. Others have already commented – but this was more like poetry than prose and so powerfully allows your reader to step into your story and identify with you. Just lovely. I think you must be one brave, amazing and beautiful inside and out woman!
richelle @ “our wright”-ing pad recently posted..Five Minute Friday ~ Quiet
Your words mean so much Richelle. Every time I read your posts I sense a warmth and love in your home and think the same thing about you. Plus, you can make donuts. I mean c’mon.
Alia, you are such a beautiful writer and it comes from such a beautiful heart! Thank you for being raw: writing from where, I’m sure, it hurts. I wish I had met you at Allume. In fact, we’ve never actually met at all. But I’ve read your blog several times, and I know God has great plans for you! Be encouraged! And keep believing Him! Blessings and love in Christ! ~Jacqui
Oh, I wish we had met too! And thanks so much for reading my blog and for introducing yourself this week. I always love to connect with readers and get to know them too. I really appreciate your kind words today and hope you are blessed as well.
I love reading your writing. I love how you find a completely different perspective on this word than anyone else. Being real and unique and awesome is just AWESOME.
love your heart friend.
Nicole recently posted..Five Minute Friday: Quiet
Ha, your comment made me laugh out loud and brought a big smile to this gals face. Awesome is just awesome! Totally. I am so glad to have connected here and on your blog and twitter. I wish we would’ve had more time at Influence, cause I kind of like you. You’re funny and awesome!
Alia… I’m struggling to find words worthy enough to respond to the words you’ve shared here.
Thank you for unzipping your heart and allowing us inside. I appreciate your realness and authentic words. Now, more than ever, I can’t wait to share at Jumping Tandem!
Stefanie Brown (@stefanieybrown) recently posted..Five Minute Friday :: Quiet {A Bonus Post}…
I read Mary’s comment about Jumping Tandem and got so excited. I really feel like God has lined up an amazing array of women just for me to meet. I know I feel very spoiled with all the beautiful people who I get to hang out with. Cannot wait. And Stefanie, thanks so much for your encouragement, friend. I seriously needed it this week.
You’re welcome…
I completely agree, Alia! I believe God has planned a beautiful weekend for us with treasured friends. I’m so excited:)
Stefanie Brown (@stefanieybrown) recently posted..30 Days of Thanksgiving :: Day 10…
Your posts are always so beautiful, Alia. I wish I could express myself half as well as you do.
Just wanted to let you know that I have been there, too. And if I can get from there to here, so can you. Don’t give up!
Nancy @ Pilgrim Wanderings recently posted..Quiet – #fiveminutefriday
Your words are the best compliment right now, especially because I often feel rambly and trapped in my own head and emotions. Thank you.
Alia… I’m touched by your words, such beauty coming from a deep place of pain and hurt. “Hear him and believe”… that is a message we all need.
path of treasure recently posted..The Quiet
Isn’t it? How often do we hear and know and still not really believe? For me, it’s a lot. Thanks for commenting. Blessings to you.
Friend…you just ooze grace. I can’t even describe it. But am going to ponder it awhile…
thank you for letting me in to this private moment to see what God is capable of. even in me.
Love and hugs to you, beautiful friend!
Nikki recently posted..Because He Loves Us {The Answer to ‘Why’ Every Time}
Nikki, that is seriously the best compliment ever. Maybe because I need so darned much, more than my fare share.
Thanks for being with me in this. I so appreciate all of you guys coming and reading and loving on me every Friday. Yours is a face, I can’t wait to meet, because I feel as though I already know you. So thanks, friend. I just love you.
Hi Alia
Another WOW for your thoughts. This is my first time at Lisa-Jo’s and am amazed at the beauty of your words. By the way, I am also a coffee junkie!
Much love to you
Mia
Mia recently posted..Quiet Waters
YAY for coffee! It’s the only way I can even get around to doing Five minute Fridays. I am so glad you joined in this week. I have been doing it since I started blogging about 10 months ago and I have found it to be the most welcoming, gracious, loving people around. Can’t wait to get to know you more. How’d you like your first time?
I had a ball of a time, thanks. I kept reading until nearly 01:45 and I was amazed at all the different opinions on only one word. Yes, what a loving bunch of beautiful girls you all are and I cannot wait until next Friday. I also would love to get to know you better. I am a South African lady and loooove visiting my girlfriends.
Mia recently posted..Quiet Waters
Did you join in for the #fmfparty on twitter? Are you on twitter? I missed this last week, but I’m usually there and that’s a great time to connect as well, before we all write. I stayed up waaaaay too late too. I got home late and the word was already up so I wrote and posted and then I went and visited a bunch and that’s always my favorite part. But I really payed for it this morning.
I want to change over to a .com address next week. My son’s friend builds websites and he is going to help me next week. Then I want to connect to twitter and all those other things. To me it is still a bit like Hebrew and Greek. That sweet young man has offered to do it all free of charge!!! I will let you know when everything is in place! In any case, I can’t wait to see my sons next week when we go to Port Elizabeth.
Blessings to you
Mia recently posted..Quiet Waters
Alia, you inspire me. I am so moved by your honesty that proclaims the depth of pain, frustration and defeat and your heart that proclaims He is the God of the hurting, the God who reminds of truth and hope, who proclaims His love for you, beloved. Much love to you, friend.
Ashley @ Draw Near recently posted..Five Minute Friday: Quiet
I wouldn’t want it any other way, because when I’m weak ( which is so very often) He is strong. Just reminding myself of that this week, as it’s been a hard one for me. You are a gift, friend. You bless me each and every time I see your little avatar. Can’t wait to connect you with an actual in real life friend. Love to you, and can’t wait till April!!!
Stepping on the scales and letting the numbers tell the story, for you know that whatever you say after those numbers are written down will have to be honest, or it will just be disregarded. The numbers tell a truth that your mouth finds so hard to confess. And yet, the number isn’t the problem, the number isn’t what needs to be solved. The problem is much deeper, and the healing takes time, and there is only one cure, grace.
I love your writing, thank you for opening yourself to us, your honesty is beautiful.
Thank you. It is all of that and more. Finding my path as He leads me in it all and trying to put my trust in His perfect healing. Thanks for visiting here and taking the time to bless me with your words.
Beautiful, and yet so heart-breaking. Alia, you are LOVED!
Lauren recently posted..Five Minute Friday – Quiet (or not)
Thank you Lauren, I am feeling loved here, just thank you.
{sigh} Oh, Alia. I know, my friend. I KNOW. These bodies that have housed and grown and nurtured precious lives carry battle scars. While those scars are something we can be proud of, they’re also painful and raw. And as if the depression isn’t enough to deal with (again, I know), those blasted silver scales try to dictate our value in the world’s and our own eyes, but never God’s. I don’t like the feeling of letting a piece of metal overrule what God, the ultimate and almighty Creator of the universe, says about me. I’m praying for you, sweet friend.
Hugs!
Thank you Jamie! I feel the prayers surrounding me these past few weeks even as I’ve been struggling. So blessed by all you lovely friends and sisters in this place.
Thank you for being so tender with yourself and with your words. It blesses me more than I can tell you.
Sarah recently posted..9 Things I’m Crazy About Right Now
I don’t know how I missed your comment but I wanted to tell you thank you. I have been reading your blog on my phone and I hate commenting when I’m on it (I blame chubby fingers for making touchscreens a total nightmare) but I wanted to let you know that I am so blessed by your heart. You just shine Jesus, Sarah. Truly. Even in the simple things, or recipes, I sense Him throughout your life. That’s inspiring.
Hi there, I know, hard to lose weight when being attractive is absolutely NOT what I want. You are attractive to Jesus at any external weight for the beauty that lies INSIDE you sweet friend. Much love and prayers. xxxx
Thank you for your prayers and your encouragement.
Oh Alia, thank you. Just thank you. Your gift of words lays bare my heart.