If church should look like family, and family connects over bonds made, blood shared, vows taken, and years lived together, how do we become family as a church? How do we find the home where our hearts settle into community?
In most churches, we sit in rows or pews, or folding chairs facing forward. We may engage the message and punch out notes on our YouVersion app or in the torn off section of our bulletin or we may sit silently pondering the options for lunch when the service is over while sneaking glances at our phone’s clock. But most churches don’t offer a lot of chance to connect during Sunday mornings, with the exception of the after church gathering over coffee, which is an introverts 3rd circle of hell, the second being the mandatory greet your neighbor churches always do before you’re allowed to sit down.
So churches encourage community groups, cell groups, life groups, tribes, fellowship or accountability groups divided by what we do or who we are. There are your active singles, your youth, your families with young kids, your empty nesters, your college age, and your young marrieds. And if you have a big enough church and some go-getters, you probably even have groups based on interests like gardening, scrapbooking, mountain biking, even bird watching. Or if you are the more spiritual set, you have church groups based on bible study and prayer.
So often churches divide up groups based on affinity. And I get that. I go to blogging conferences to meet and connect with other bloggers, people who get what I do and why. My husband has made some really good friendships over a love of surfing, guys crazy enough to don full wetsuits and brave the frigid Oregon coast. We all like people who get us.
And maybe I’ve assumed too much. Because lately, I’m really struggling with finding my home.
We may say the deep God stuff is how we connect. But I’m finding it harder and harder to connect because even among us, the church, I often find myself unable to recognize the god you proclaim. The angry political god whose reign depends on our votes and and our campaigns for and against ephemeral things. Who is this passive impotent god who neither causes suffering nor does anything to stop it. Who is both absent and powerless against weather, disasters, genocides, and evil. Who is said to have conquered death but really just offers your better life now. Who is this god who just loves and never judges sin? Who is this god who believes in grace but not justice? Who is this god you tell me I should get to know, because I may be seen as a bigot or judgmental or too rigid with those antiquated views? Who is this god, who is not really holy but common? Who is this vague god wavering upon popular opinion and the wisdom of man?Who is this god you tell me I should calm down about because I’m being legalistic if I think repentance is the cornerstone of justice and revival for our broken world? Who is this God you tell me we both believe in because we say we’re Christians? Because I don’t recognize this god at all.
Sometimes I feel I will never find a home. Sometimes I feel that’s for the best.
Sorry for the rant. It’s such a beautiful word prompt: Home and this is all I had come to mind. I’ve had a rough week in some respects and I just needed to vent. . We can’t all write magic every week. Keeping it real. Ugly emotions and all.
You know the deal.
1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..
Oh Friend! I hear you… and I love you. That’s all
Thanks Jacque. I needed that! Love you too, friend.
I totally get the rant (and I’m not just saying that)… don’t apologize. We live overseas, and work while we share the gospel, and sadly – many of those there before us did import their brands of Western Christianity, lock, stock and barrel, and 15 years later we are trying to pick up some of the fragmented, dysfunctional pieces. My own post on this “Home” prompt is all about longing for heaven… and I suppose I should be thankful that most times when I enter a western-style church while we’re back on home-leave, it leaves me longing for heaven even more? That said, there is hope: the two churches we’re most closely involved with, my parents’ church in CA and our home church in New Zealand, are both examples of true community in action. When we’re fellowshipping in either of those places, we genuinely feel seen, heard, known and truly loved. I am so thankful.
Yes, when my parents came back from overseas missions they had the same reaction to American Westernized Christianity and I also know that those reactions caused a lot of bitterness in us as children. We judged the church a lot. I feel that I want to embrace the church as I’ve been convicted that it is how God chooses to get things done and how he chose to organize his body but I do struggle sometimes. Especially, when I see things so terribly misrepresented. I know we aren’t “home” yet but this week was really discouraging in a few ways and I just had to vent.
I don’t think it is only the American church, either!
I can tell you that the Australian church has its share of the same issues – and more!
I’m with Carolyn, it makes me realise this earth is not my home and it won’t all work until heaven is on Earth. Meanwhile, I have to try to make a go of it and not give up the “fellowship of the saints”, as we havea tendency to do lately… But there has to be a better way. Have you read ” A Severe Mercy”? I love the way they got together with believers or unbelievers at their home. They sang, prayed, discussed, debated together .. It was not a scripted thing – one hemmed in by questions and answers and filling out a book and having a finish and a start time.Maybe that only works when you’re in college and are much freer in all areas of your life… Some of the things I liked aobut our Mess. Jewish congregation were the drasha or “discussion” – and it gets heated at times. But it’s good and healthy and real and deep. It is done right in the service. If you had an issue with what was being said, you put up your hand and questioned it. And everyone got into the discussion and hashed it out right there. Most pastors would not be comfortable doing that in western churches. Mess. Judaism has to be done in community. Lots of potlucks with every new moon and all the feasts and LOTS of drasha! Sevices sometimes go for 3 hours or more because of it. A great way to spend your Shabat!! Of course there is a lot of “other” stuff that is harder to take. But the reverence for and awesomeness of God is def. there – something a lot of newcomers really notice .
Your heart…. it resonates with my own here, Alia Joy! If this is your “ugly emotions and all”, bring. it. on. This is how we flesh out what it means to live side by side with others who profess faith in Christ, The Cornerstone. And I love how fearlessly you share your heart with us, here.
Thanks Missy. I reread it and I’m glad it didn’t come across as too negative. Sometimes I wonder, especially when I’m writing from a bit of a negative place. I don’t want to slam other Christians or contribute to the breakdown of the body but sometimes I just feel like my head will explode with the theology that is so commonly accepted nowadays. Thanks for reading and understanding.
Oh my friend I have been there,and I love you and your writing to share with us what your going through ,bravely, thank you!!!
Thank you Jennifer. As always, you are an encouragement.
Oh my brave beautiful friend. I love your heart shared here today. It’s real and transparent. I am so thankful that you write this way. You so often speak to my heart and today is no different. Love you much.
Thank you Wendy, for visiting and for encouraging me. Love you too.
“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”
― C.S. Lewis
We aren’t there yet . . .
I love that quote. I almost included it in this post but then I thought I’d have to go look it up and type it out and I was just too tired last night. So, I’m glad you included it here. I agree, some weeks leave me longing for home more than others.
And this is why I read what you write. I so appreciate your openness and your willingness to rant. Thanks for sharing this today!!
Ha! My willingness to rant. You and my husband both love that about me.
Thanks for reading and it was fun seeing you this week.
what?!??! YOU got to see each other!! I am soo jealous!!
Your heart and your quest for truth and authenticity are just a few of the things that I love about you and why I gobble up everything you write… so this week this magical rant was just what I needed… I want you to know sister to sister I am hearing you and lifting you up. Love you friend.
Thanks Tonya. I can always count on your prayer and that means a lot.
Oh sweet friend… I get this… I get what you are saying (mostly – I have SAID what you are saying…) I am in this season feeling without Home when it comes to church and yet we haven’t ‘left’ and we are not wounded… we are not angry or upset – simply unsettled. Home is where we are headed… and I am learning – like you – to create community and offer Home to others around me. Sometimes it’s in our offering it – that we find it unaware!
I love what Debi wrote above – this is why I read what you write as well… because no matter what – I can know that you will be open and honest about whatever it is!
~K~
Thank you Karrilee. That is a huge compliment in the midst of my ranting.
I think what you just wrote it so much how I feel. Just not settled. And then there are times when I am just completely in shock and awe at how repulsive the church can seem when the value of a holy God is exchanged for some guy who just wants us all to get along and requires absolutely nothing in return. There is nothing so offensive as cheap grace.
Oh my friend, I love you. I love your big, beautiful, vulnerable heart. Thank you for our willingness to share the hard places on your journey. Love you!
Thank you for coming along on my crazy journey and my up and down emotions. I am blessed that you love me anyway.
Preach it, sister! Our “truth” has become so watered down and sweetened with saccharin that the real thing seems bitter and harsh. Many like to ignore the “narrow is the gate”, “few will enter”, “you called me LORD, but I don’t know you”. We never hear the warnings about the guilt of Christ’s blood if we take communion in a way that is unworthy. Most are lucky if it is even suggested they abstain because it “wouldn’t be meaningful”. We want everyone to join in the fellowship and take part in the name of equality and fairness – even if the scripture mandates otherwise, because you know that those ideas must be reexamined through our 21st century PC lenses. I’ll stop here, but want you to know that you are so not alone looking for that family to be a home with here while we wait. Love you!
There’s room on this soapbox for you, girl! Love you, Amy. Just love you.
This comment made me smile.
I just tweeted you a link from our sermon yesterday. It was a resounding yes, and amen to this post. I think you were supposed to be there with me. I know I would have loved that.
I wish I could call you—today. My husband resigned from the church plant we attended about a month ago, and we have been on this “church search” ever since. It has been an experience I struggle to put into words. God is there. I know it. I keep saying it out loud. But when the search is over, and our hearts are settled in a place of worship, I will be letting you know! Hopping over from the FMF link up
Yes, I’d love to hear more about your journey and what that looks like in your life right now. Thanks for sharing a bit of your story and experience. It is hard, isn’t it?
Dear AliaJoy
I hear and understand your heart and your questions!! I felt the same way for a long time and asked the same questions, until I realized that the Kingdom of God is within us (Luke 17:21) and I realized that I have been looking at all the wrong places for the home of my heart. I haven’t belonged to any church for about 3 years now, but I have found our sweet, dear Lord Jesus and I follow Him with my whole heart. In Him is where my home is now and I would not give Him up for anything this world can offer.
Much love XX
Mia
Thanks for sharing your experience, Mia. I have been absent from church for many years on and off but I honestly have felt a really strong conviction that I am supposed to be committed to a local body. I wrote a bit about it in my 31 Days to Why Church series. It’s a process that God is working on in my heart and it hasn’t been easy but that’s just where I am at. I don’t know what God is going to do through it all but i feel the need to be obedient. That being said, I do understand what you mean and I know that the focus of everything is Jesus. Thank you for sharing your perspective on this and for your encouragement and heart for the Lord.
You, my friend? You write magic. Every. Week. I can’t tell you a) how amazed I am that you write THIS in 5 minutes and b) the way your heart shines through it. Don’t stop writing the hard things. This place? It’s not the home God has planned for you and I pray none of us would settle for a common God over a holy God. (and please don’t stop making me snort in laughter over lines like “an introverts 3rd circle of hell, the second being the mandatory greet your neighbor churches always do before you’re allowed to sit down.”…seriously..the biggest draw of our new church is that they don’t do the “greeting!”)
Yes, hate the greeting! NOOOO! I do not want to greet the person standing next to me in an awkward 14 second conversation. Thank you for your encouragement, Crystal, if you are a ninja at anything it is that! Love your heart, friend.
Sorry to hear you have had a rough week…and thank you for trusting us with your honest words…I hear your frustration…no easy words….it is part of life here …imperfect…hugs to you although I don’t know if that would frustrate you more bc I remember now that you said you weren’t a big hugger so maybe I won’t give you a hug? (wink)
Yes, imperfect life. I feel better today. Writing is cathartic that way. Sometimes you just need to vent and I love that you guys understand even when I’m just ranting. And I think blogging conferences have cured me of my anti hugging ways. I’ll go for a big hug from you.
I love your honesty. I can honestly say that our church, they preach from the Bible and not about being PC. What I am struggling with is finding community in our church. I found community outside of church. I feel church is too comfortable and have their cliques.
Keep writing girl and be blessed:)
Sorry you have not found that community there. We have had similar experiences. One thing was a good fit and three other things weren’t. The church we go to now is good in a lot of ways but finding community there has been really really hard for us. And sometimes I feel like things are vague instead of nailed down theologically. I don’t know. Just hanging in there and knowing God will come through in some way.
How did you get all this goodness out in five minutes!! Such truth… and said in love, too!
thank you for being real and saying what half of us are thinking but can’t put into words!!
love it!
Thanks Julie Anne.
Hi Alia Joy! My first time leaving a comment.
I. just. love. the. way. you. write.!!! You have put into words, here, what I’ve so longed to express. I have not been to church regularly in about 4 years. I’m not proud of that, for I know I mustn’t forsake the assembling together…..but I just grew so frustrated. I don’t know where my “home” is. I just know it isn’t ‘there’. Thank you for being so honest. This is the kind of writing I’ve been looking for.
Thank you Jillie, In actuality, I have found a church I’ve been going to for awhile now and although it’s not perfect, I’ve committed to going there and have been really blessed by staying put. However, recently I have been really frustrated when I’ve come in contact with Christians and “church” culture which is so loose theologically that Christ lost his place at the center long ago. This was a rant in response to my burdened heart for those who profess church and Christ but are nothing more than spiritual and moralistic. Anyhow, glad you feel at home here and thanks for leaving a comment. I always love to meet new readers.
Sometimes at our church we circle up the chairs, just break them right out of their neat, straight lines, and we have community. It hurts, similar to that “3rd circle of hell”. But it’s a real kind of hurt and it’s good (I tell myself).
Longing for that perfect home with you, sister, where every circle will be warm and true!
Yes, a good kind of hurt. I’ll have to remember that. I know in my local church, it’s been really hard to step out of my comfort zone sometimes although I know that is a problem and a conviction I’ve had.