It’s Friday. You know what that means. Time to write it all out and let the words tell it like it is. 5 Minutes, no editing, no overthinking, no backtracking. Then we link up with The Gypsy Mama and share in the community what the prompt pulled from us.
This weeks word is: ENOUGH
She was cruel.
I knew that, had in fact learned the hard way.
Perhaps it was because of her angelic features or the way she would sit perfectly straight tilting her head toward you when you spoke. As if blessing you with her thoughtful gaze.
For whatever reason, you never would have assumed how cruel she was. Cruel in the way only 5th grade girls know. Her pink plastic barrettes perched piously on her blonde curls, she would narrow her eyes like a predator selecting her prey.
If you happened to be the victim of her assault you were doomed to eating lunch by yourself or sitting on the steps during recess pretending to be thoroughly involved in the inspection of your shoelaces, eyes cast down, hoping to GOD that no one notices you.
I knew this because I had been her best friend. We exchanged the silver heart necklace with best friend etched across it, each of us taking one half. Each of us only making the necklace whole together. We wore Espirit pajamas with stripes in teal and hot pink like 80′s referees. We decorated our Caboodles with glitter puff paint and stickers, etching our names together as we smacked our Bonnie Bell pink freeze lip shine and sang along to New Kids on the Block. We tried coffee together for the first time, each of us gasping and adding so much cream and sugar it turned a milky white and we poured every last drop down our throats until the thick sludge of sugar rushed at our lips. And all the while I was terrified.
I already knew I wasn’t enough. Wasn’t quite cool enough, pretty enough, rich enough. But I hung in there, masquerading as a cool girl. I wasn’t cruel, I justified. I simply turned a blind eye when I saw her comment on someone’s clothes, or their obese mother, or their disgusting bologna sandwich. Anything was up for ridicule. And her words would take on a syrupy sweet voice, her long lashes batting sweetly over eyes wide as if surprised. “Oh, you’re going to eat that?” “Wow, that looks just like an outfit I saw my cousin wear last week. She’s mentally retarded, but so sweet. She doesn’t know better.But really, it’s totally cute on you.” “That’s so cool you went to Disneyland, your mom must really love you to take you there since she can’t fit on any of the rides.”
It lasted a year. Never having to worry about where I would sit or who would be friends with me. And then the flu, and a week of fevers and midday infomercials, with worksheets sent home in a yellow folder. Fractions.
I returned with all my worksheets to find myself ousted. Just like that. Fractured. I knew that when you cut a whole in half it is never enough.
In 5th grade, there was no safe place.
No one was outright mean. But they were cruel.
The circle of girls would close every so slightly, their backs turned so you would have to stand awkwardly at the fringes staring at the back of their scalps or walk away while pretending you suddenly forgot something as your face flushes hot and your heart thrums. The voices hushed and giggling after you pass.
And you wonder why you aren’t enough. Even at 33, sometimes you wonder.
Sorry gals, I went a tad over 5 minutes this week. Consider it 9 minute Friday. Ok, now go see the amazingness that is the 5 minute Friday linkers. So many delicious words here.
Wow! This was an amazing piece of writing!
I “felt” every word deeply!
You really captured the feelings of being at school perfectly.
I still don’t understand why some kids are so confidently mean and all the others gravitate towards them? I have often wondered if the school system itself compounds the problem. A group of unconnected , unreated children thrown together for 7 hours into an unatural routine and then just told to “get on?”
Stopping by from Gypsymama
Yes, totally agree. It does seem like the group dynamics are not in favor of harmony in a lot of those situations. And it’s our sin nature to divide and classify and judge. I still see it even as an adult in certain circles at church, or bible studies, or neighborhoods. We can’t escape from this sin soaked world, we can only choose to be different. Thanks for visiting here from Lisa Jo’s.
After readig your profile I just had to say my favourite colours are yellow and turquoise too
New subscriber
a soulful life recently posted..What is Enough ? {5 Minute Friday}
Awesome! Glad to have you! And yes, I’m kind of obsessed with those colors, you should see my room.
Alia Joy. Wow. This is amazing. Your writing is so moving and vivid. I saw every moment of this, and your little 5th grade heart just cracking…. I lived seasons this bitter myself, I was just remembering one the other day in fact… Bless you for sharing this cutting story. Praying that now more than ever you KNOW you are enough because He is enough. XO Beautiful friend.
Kris recently posted..Enough
Thanks Kris, I’m learning more each day as He reveals just how ‘enough’ He is.
Alia Joy recently posted..Five Minute Friday: Enough
Yep, it was 5th grade alright. That’s how they do ya. I could name names.
Maggie S. recently posted..Yesterday’s Music, Tomorrow’s Dance
It’s amazing how strong those memories and hurts are, I could name names as well.
Alia Joy recently posted..Five Minute Friday: Enough
Oh my… I have so many memories I can account just the same. I am so thankful that He will never leave us or give up on us, even when the work of transformation gets messy or takes longer than it should. His grace is enough. That’s what we have to keep reminding ourselves. Journeying with you…
Michele-Lyn recently posted..God’s been waiting for my Yes…
Thanks,friend. He is merciful to heal and redeem. Truth.
Alia Joy recently posted..Five Minute Friday: Enough
Beautiful.
Thanks Laura.
Oh how I remember those days. Today I hear the stories from my 4th and 5th grade small group girls frequently and my heart breaks a little for them each time. They are learning how to deal with the “mean girls” in ways that I didn’t and I am so proud of them.
Yes, my daughter is 7 and she’s had a few hurt feelings over unkind comments etc. and it is heartbreaking. I just know that in the same way I want to take her in my arms and cover her, God wants to cover us. What a blessing to be able to be a part do those girls lives and see them making better choices.
Alia Joy recently posted..Five Minute Friday: Enough
I was there with you…totally could feel all the emotions. Awesome post, Alia!
Johanna Hanson recently posted..5 Tips for Living Without a Dishwasher
Thanks Johanna!
Oh my heart! I know these feelings. When I was in middle school, actually all throughout school, I always hung around the cool crowd but never felt like one of them. They took from me what I could give and left me high an dry if I didn’t fit into to their unique world. And still today, I wonder sometimes, if I truly fit in. You would think at 46, I would know my place.
Barbie recently posted..When I’m Not Enough
It does tend to stick, doesn’t it? The insecurities we face being a woman. Whether we were popular or not, there is often a feeling of having to play by the rules and pick and like the right things. And yes Barbie you fit.
thanks for coming over and sharing.
Your details in the writing (the eyelashes, etc.) are excellent– I could “see” them. Cruel– yes, that’s the right word.
This situation is heartbreaking, and is repeated constantly, each year, all over the country.
With so many women (myself included) saying that we remember these types of things happening to us, or being responsible for acting this way — I hope and pray that we are all are modeling and teaching our children a better way of acting even today (even grown women aren’t exempt from this kind of behavior), and how to respond if it does happen.
path of treasure recently posted..More Than…
Couldn’t agree more. I’m super vigilant about the kind of atmosphere my children create with their words and actions and also of their responses in this imperfect world. I’ve seen this kind of behavior a lot (even in adults) also and don’t ever want to contribute to someone feeling left out, hurt, or less than. By His grace, I won’t. Thanks for visiting here, always nice to ‘meet’ new friends.
Wow, even though I was homeschooled (mostly) until high school, this is so familiar. Yes, the utter NASTINESS girls are capable of, with their verbal quickness and their general tendency to not use fists…and the way they can destroy one girl by making *everything* she says/ does stupid. I remember being the outcast in my 5th grade class. I think at that age, there always has to be at least 1. And the teacher didn’t stick up for me (I felt) as consistently as she could’ve.
Then in high school…I could normally steer clear of the mean girls, but boy, were they there. With one it took the form of enthusiastic waving as though you were friends when you were NOT, giggling (about another girl), “Ostrich is going to put on her makeup!” and so on.
It’s no wonder that some decide, “Girls are mean” and unabashedly prefer male friendship. (There are a host of complications there, but I see why it happens.)
My worst betrayals were at 10 and 26. The 2nd one I am still not completely over. We try to be friends, yet I feel we just can’t. I was “dumped” as a friend due to being too needy…now I’m afraid to be needy ever again. I want to be the strong friend, the fun one, to “be there” for others…but I don’t really know how to bridge the gap to forming intimate friendships again, particularly with this person, even if she wants it. Sometimes cruelty isn’t planned–sometimes it pours out in the heat of the moment and later in multiple gossipy moments…but it is just as damaging.
I’m a LATE latecomer to this post, but I would welcome any thoughts!
–Katie
P.S. And oh, how I know the feeling of “not enough.” It stabbed through me as a young adult a few years ago, when every single person was preferred over me…it still stings now, when in casual conversation I realize that someone else with “problems” is still deemed worthy of grace…and I WASN’T. I know that part of it is that people grow and are able to be much more gracious later, yet still there is that gnawing feeling that the lack of grace was because of ME. Because my problems were too great. Because I was not enough.