I have a desire to be healed. To be made whole in the areas where I am not. To have the scars fade to pale flesh like stretch marks that snake across my soul and call to remembrance the growing pains and tearing of flesh that couldn’t quite keep up. The scars that only time fades but the joy of new life makes insignificant. God has called me to new life
I want to be healthy. Not a physical goal or fantasy but a desire to be free. To be able to instill good habits into my children. To be able to say with confidence that my fat suit has been shed no matter what size I am in. That I have struggled and flailed and failed but that I am walking in victory and grace.
I am a quitter. In the worst sense of the word. Sometimes it’s as if I have the attention span of an overstimulated toddler. There is always something new and shiny to play with and nothing ever comes to fruition because I quit before it is finished.
I believe that this time it will work. It hasn’t, as evidenced by the treadmill, the spin bike, the jogging stroller, the calorie monitor, the bike trailer, the millions of exercise videos, the blender, mixer, diet books, gym memberships, pots of cabbage soup, shakes, subscriptions to meal plans and any other shiny things that somehow convinced me that this was the key to my success.
I begin the list with the pros and cons. If there are enough pros and emotional excitement (shininess) , I forge ahead with determination. Cabbage soup for 30 days while losing 40 lbs. Sounds good till day 3 and more gas than any normal human should be capable of making.
Somewhere between the base camp and the trek up the mountain, I lose steam. I look to the summit, the distant far off place where I would plant my flag and it’s altogether too far. The incline and terrain are too brutal. The days too long and cold.
I start to wonder why I ever wanted to climb this stupid mountain in the first place.
After all, lots of people are perfectly content to stay below. They probably have enchiladas below and comfy beds and WiFi. Either way, this mountain climbing business is not for me.
And then, I quit, but instead of trekking back down the mountain, I sled down, gaining speed and crashing at the bottom with 20 extra pounds over my starting point and a bunch of uneaten Jenny Craig meals in the freezer.
Apparently, I’m more of a small hill kind of girl than a big mountain. Or maybe I’m a plateau girl. That’s even better. A bit steep at first but then it all levels out and you still have a decent view without the nosebleeds and altitude sickness.
Maybe the quitting is inevitable because I am attempting to climb Everest when I should really be looking for a nice hill with a paved trail.
Maybe it’s not so much in the revamping of all that is wrong but in the consistency of the steps I am taking.
Maybe my quitting is actually the right thing for me, because I’m always going about it all wrong.
Maybe the constant attempts to ascend the mountain unprepared have just left me increasingly weaker and more traumatized.
Maybe the view from the hill is good enough for now.
Maybe, I need to stop hating the process, stop hating the failures I feel and start embracing the journey. Step up into grace and take in the view from the plateau. Allow myself to notice the things that I can see from here and focus on those.
Everest can wait. I quit.
Do you have any mountains to quit? Hills to rest on? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
I was just thinking about the merits of being a quitter yesterday. The beauty of quitting things in life that are taking up time better spent elsewhere. The freedom of quitting things that make you miserable and reorganizing to try to reach the same goal a different way. Or decide the goal isn’t really something I want as a goal. I desperately want to simplify my life and make time for my kids, God…life. And that means quitting the less important things, even if I try to justify that they do have some value.
There’s a strength in “seeing something through to the end”, but it’s certainly not the greatest virtue we can hope to attain. I need to reprogram my brain to think that “quit” doesn’t automatically equal “bad” and “weak” and even “ungodly.” It might mean “wise.”
This was a beautiful post and helped me continue to think through this idea.
Janice recently posted..Highs and Lows – Road trip to the beach
Janice, I totally agree. And I have quit things in other areas of my life in terms of the kids activities or my commitments that have helped to bring more peace or to make room for the areas that I feel God is calling us to focus on. It’s hard for me to see those same things can apply in terms of this journey too. Quitting just seems like such failure but I think stepping back and evaluating where I am honestly has helped. Thanks so much for your stopping by and for leaving a comment.
I can relate to this on so many levels…what a great perspective..thank you for such encouraging words!
Thanks Misty. Great to see you the other day. Every time I run into you, I think, we should hang out.
You ROCK! This is a great post. I feel you pain. A lot! I’ll walk the paved trail with you anytime. Just let me know!!!
DK Stangeland recently posted..Tourist Office – I get to be a tourist!
Thanks for the support. It was great to meet you inRL since you won’t be able to be at the meetup
Hope you have a great time anyway! You’ll be missed.
One of my daughter’s professors gave us words of encouragement when she found out my daughter was quitting school for a year to figure out what she wanted to do. She said, “It’s never a mistake to take a step back to discern the will of God.” We so appreciated the confirmation and encouragement.
It is a positive step that you’ve figured out that what you’ve been trying to do is not working. It’s wise to step back and quit while you listen for direction. (((HUGS))) from your friends who are proud of you, who stand with you, who want to encourage you.
Deb Weaver recently posted.."Killing Myself With Kindness"
Thanks Deb, You are such an encouragement to me. I truly appreciate your friendship and kind words.
If you are on the wrong path, yes quitting is winning. I think enjoying the plateu is a great start!
Stacey recently posted..Unwrapping the Lies
Thanks Stacey. Yes the view from here has a lot of nice qualities I’ve been missing along the way.
oh friend… I just had a talk with myself about this same thing… and came to some similar conclusions…
We can do this… On Thursdays, at mustlovegod.net we have a link up – called :”count me accountable” and we just gently, supportively hold each other accountable to the goals we are setting for ourselves.
It has helped me, but I haven’t been honest enough with my goals, so it hasn’t helped, if you know what I mean.
Anyway– this was wonderful.
Meredith recently posted..Meredith is not rude, or irritable and is slow to anger. {ahem}
Meredith, Thanks so much! I’ll check out the link up. I could use all the “accountable” I can get and there’s nothing like the entire world wide web knowing your struggles to help keep things in perspective and keep one humble on the journey. I have received so much love, encouragement, and prayers and I am exceedingly blessed by all of my friends. Thanks for being in it with me.
LOVE!!! Your “realness” is so refreshing. And thanks for letting us walk through this with you!
Thanks Heidi. I am glad to have you along with me. Don’t worry, there shall be no cabbage soup at the inRL meetup. Only good and yummy things.
This is such a beautiful post—and applicable to so much more than weight gain and loss. I feel like the Everest I’m often attempting to climb is magnificent motherhood, when really, I should just be content to enjoy the view from right where I am. It doesn’t have to be BIG and GRAND and BREATH-TAKING to be beautiful. Thank you!
Erica {let why lead} recently posted..Teaching (One Escalator Ride at a Time)
Thanks Erica. Yes, we all have our mountains we die on and our views we miss. Thanks so much for stopping by and yes, cabbage soup diet is the absolute worst before and after you cook and eat it. lol
And btw, I remember my mom doing the cabbage soup diet a handful of time! It smelled pretty awful while cooking!
Erica {let why lead} recently posted..Teaching (One Escalator Ride at a Time)
Great post! I can feel the sigh of relief from crushing burdens of performance and ‘shoulds’.
God bless you and continue to lead you out, so He can lead you in.
kelli recently posted..The End from the Beginning
Thanks Kelli, I have always been a should kind of girl and these last few years have been especially exhausting. The more I quit, the more I feel open to grace and time to really let God do and not just me. Sigh of relief for sure. Thanks for sharing here.
Ooh, I often feel like an overstimulated toddler but I agree, embrace the process and let him heal and do his full work! It is always a good thing to be worked on by him.
Court recently posted..Setting the Lonely
Court, working on the embracing part.
Thanks for stopping by.
Thank you for sharing this post. I think we all can be quitters at some point in time. And sometimes quitting may be the right thing for us to do.
Janelle@AStoryofGrace recently posted..You’re a Treasure
Thanks Janelle. I guess I’m in the process of learning what to attempt and what to quit. Constantly praying for wisdom. Thanks for stopping by here.