Finding Joy on the Journey in Faith, Family, and all Things in Between.
For the rest of her life she will be my little girl. My only girl. In a week, she will be 8 years old. Today, she clung to me in a moment of high strung emotion uncommon for her. As her sleepy eyes welled with tears and she pushed her face into the curve just above my hip, into the fleshy part of my side, the spot where she curls herself into when we snuggle for story time or she bruises her … [Read more...]
In honor of Valentines Day and our epic love affair, here's a post from last year that still captures it all. I love you, Josh. Dear Josh, It's May and someone is in love. The sun is hot and glistening on my naked shoulders. I am fresh, with a face like clean linen, shining eyes and dark lashes low and inspired. You smell like romance. Red roses without the … [Read more...]
Every week I write with a gang of courageous storytellers who gather time and again to share lives, and burdens, and blessings, and the everyday ordinary that pulses just beneath each word prompt. And every week it's different. But we all share one thing in common. We are all there to write, from the novice hobby blogger to the aspiring author to the published. We know words mean … [Read more...]
"But doubt is wily and cunning and never, as it is sometimes said to be, loud or defiant. It is unassuming and sly, not bold or assertive - and the more unassuming, the more dangerous." — Søren Kierkegaard She's the strongest woman I know. I tell her this. She is strong and brave. I don't know if she believes me. She bats away compliments with the unsure smile formed by her mother's … [Read more...]
I didn't cry much after you passed away. In all honesty, I felt a flood of relief as we sat watching. The nurse leaned over your hospice bed, cold stethoscope pressed to your chest, not needing to be warmed first. Your breathing had been labored and rattly, then shallow. Mom and I sat, sides touching on the couch, and when the nurse rose, draped her stethoscope back around her neck and … [Read more...]
Dear me at 16, I just want to tell you right now, it's all gonna change. You've just turned 16, but in a few months everything will look different. God is going to mess you up. Big time. Let Him. You are going to feel the wind knocked out of you, the momentum of the years have led to this moment where you will meet God. I know you won't believe me but dad was right. You do have … [Read more...]
We drove the windy road to his grandmas house. And I festered. My soul black and ugly, scarred by bitterness and resentment. My baby boy, only 4 months old, strapped snugly into his new car seat. One of the only new things we had received at his birth. We were young and although we had planned and prayed for this baby, we hadn't had money to purchase new things. Friends blessed us with hand me … [Read more...]
Now that you are old enough to realize that marrying daddy is not a real possibility for you, and you are starting to ask questions. "When did you know you loved daddy?" "How did he ask you to marry you?" "Did you have boyfriends?" I want you to know about true love. The romantic kind, the kind between a man and a woman. The kind that I wish for you someday. I will answer all of those … [Read more...]
Judah, There is something so significant in the relationship with one’s firstborn. You were the fire that tried me. And I know that often, so often, I failed in the flames. And yet, there you were, handed to me in that room, a perfect gift to a mother so unworthy. I studied you and you seemed to know that I was utterly clueless. Oh, I had my ideas, my goals, all dashed at the first nursing … [Read more...]
Dear Josh, How many times do these lids droop heavily and the frustration floats steady like a prisoner's cell cut through the throw pillows and down comforter separating us? Your back to me and I hold this scripture in my mind, do not let the sun go down on your anger, and I see the sun sloping low and I close my eyes and sleep. Do not let the sun go down on your anger. The marriage 101 rule … [Read more...]
To my dearest Kaia, I know you long for the letters to make sense, to unite themselves and speak to you. I know each syllable is a battle for you and I see you fighting. By the time you are able to read this well, you will have won the battle. You will have put in the hours of tracing your finger along the page and sounding out each painstaking phonics rule with your brows knit tight and the … [Read more...]
I didn't write on mother's day. I didn't write anything about my mom. I didn't write about all the things I love about her or the many ways she's blessed me. I didn't tell her that she is the most faithful woman I know. She had to be, to put up with us kids and my dad. I didn't tell her that the prayers she prayed for me during the years when I was lost and angry and wandering were … [Read more...]
I can only imagine what they thought of me. A sixteen year old girl, just recently surrendered to the cross even though there had been many years of truth, rebellion had prevailed. And on the journey back to God and his redeeming grace, there was always the refining. So much to refine. The hot fire burning away the sins that had entangled during those years of mutiny, raging against God, the … [Read more...]
To my mother in law on her birthday, When I think of you, I always think of your cooking. Yes, I am the girl who loves to eat. I think of the meals you have prepared over the 17 years I have known and been a part of your family. It's not just because you went to culinary school, or because you cook for a living, but also because so many of our family memories involve meals at your … [Read more...]
To my darling Kaia, This is my last letter to you this birthday. I know it's a lot to take in and after I read you these words, we will journey through the meanings together. This is the final thing I have to share for now. Be humble. Humility will allow you rest. It will free you from striving to be perfect. It will keep you from masquerading as something other. It will dismiss imposters from … [Read more...]
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