Kids - Narrow Paths to Higher Places

Four Reasons Not to Praise Your Kids

He stood staring up at the sky.I half expected him to just plop down in the middle of left field and start picking grass.

A frenzy of boys scrambling for the ball moved steadily towards him. They were almost on top of him and I saw his gaze snap back to the game just in time to watch the ball rush by him as he stood motionless. A few seconds after the ball had glided by, he lumbered after it, but gave up as it was kicked swiftly into the goal by the opposite team.

My husband and I sighed and shook our heads in wonder.

This was supposed to be fun for him. But so far, he seemed out-of-place and awkward on the field. It didn’t help that all of his teammates went to the same school and already knew each other or that he was not as agile or fast as the other boys on his team.

We gathered up our chairs as each team member shook hands and my mom heart was hurting because I knew he must realize how poorly he played.

But he bounced happily up to us and proclaimed that their team was once again undefeated. True, the team hadn’t lost a game yet but that was mostly due to a few elite players that had played soccer for years.

I realized that he had no idea he was the worst player on the team.

He bragged on about their victory and we were both left a little confused with how to proceed. Do we say, “Yes son, you did great!” when in reality, he was barely in the game? Do we say, ” Maybe soccer is not your game,” or “You need to pay more attention next time or try harder,” or do we smile and nod as he goes on about how great they are?

After all, it is third grade community soccer, it’s supposed to be about fun and sportsmanship, right?

Ever wondered how those people end up on American Idol auditions singing so terribly off-key and being utterly shocked and hurt when they are told singing professionally is not their thing? Maybe their parents just smiled and nodded. Maybe they flattered them so as not to crush their dreams.

photo credit catsav

After all, isn’t it our job to build up their self-esteem? I would argue that flattery has an opposite effect.

1.) Flattery undermines ambition. When we tell our kids that they are naturally great at things, we are telling them that they don’t have to work hard to be good at it. They already are. We are actually minimizing the chance that they will ever be good at that thing because hard work and practice is the only way to truly get better.

2.) False praise diminishes trust. Eventually, the kids on the team are going to let him know that he’s not the best player and probably not in the kindest way. The coach will tell him he doesn’t have what it takes to make the team. The judge will say, “Your singing is rubbish,” and they will realize you weren’t telling them the truth all along.

3.) False praise doesn’t leave room for constructive criticism. We should speak into our children’s lives to help foster growth in all areas and when we offer flattery, we close the door to impart wisdom and direction. Criticism should always be motivated by the heart intent of building them up for their own good. We should never criticize out of our pride or to live vicariously through our children’s accomplishments.

4.) False praise breeds arrogance not confidence. Telling your child they are good at everything they do or try imparts the feeling that they can never fail or lose. If you always let your child win when you’re playing games it will be extra tough when they play someone who is not their mommy and lose. Learning to handle losing without letting it rock your self-image is as important to confidence as winning, if not more so.

Remembrance of negative things far surpass any complements we receive in our childhood so children need to be firmly rooted in lavish, abundant praise and acknowledgement of their worth and value as individuals regardless of their abilities.

This kind of praise can never be overdone. I believe we are all reflections of God’s image and we should accept our worth through Him. Likewise, any talents or abilities we do have are simply gifts He’s given us for His glory and we should nurture and acknowledge them, especially when we see them in our children.

What do you think about these issues? Do you always let your kids win? Do you think there’s a place when flattery is necessary? Do you feel it’s best to let kids discover their abilities on their own or do you encourage specific ones? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this subject.

Comments: 13 Comments Category: Family, Kids, Parenting Tags: five minute Fridays, kids, self image

Decluttering Part Five: I’m Failing My Kids

I can hear the soft rustle of her feet as she pads sleepily down the hall. I see tiny hands with chipped pink polish, lifting the blankets edge and then the softest wisp of a breathe on the side of my cheek as she nestles into the curve of my arm and settles where my heart beats. She is so beautiful to me. Her soft hair flowing over the pillow.

Kaia is beautiful

He pulls up on the bed, grasping with tiny fingers, a bounding cable of boy energy stretched long and flying toward us. He flops his head onto my shoulder and lets out a howl of chuckles, not like a girl but a deep thing floating from his lungs. He is all boy. This little man in my arms. I pull his body to mine. I feel his heart race with excitement as he jumps free and springs across the bed like a bounding creature.

Nehemiah swinging

And then there’s my oldest, on the cusp of manhood but still so much a boy. He doesn’t bound in like he used to. He sits more tentatively on the edge of the bed. Still wanting to join in but more reserved. He is finding his boundaries, his space. He’s not so quick to hug or snuggle. He carries his adolescent awkwardness with him at this age. I have to chase him down for affection but he is always ready for attention. For my time and praise.

Judah

He’s hurting. I can see it. He feels trapped and lost and is waiting for me to take the lead, after all, I’m his mom. I’ve taught him everything else from the time he was potty training with Thomas the Train undies to writing a persuasive essay in grammar.

But this, this I can’t teach. Haven’t learned.

I’m failing them. And I know that there is only so much we can do as moms. But then again, there is so much we can do as moms!

I see the areas where I am weak, where I struggle, and oh how it slices through me to see those same struggles and strongholds in my children’s lives. Food addiction and gluttony. Seeing it as comfort and overindulging. Piling my plate high when I should be turning to God for those empty and broken places which food never fills.

I don’t know how to change it.

How do you deal with flesh and need in your children’s lives when you haven’t even begun to deal with it in your own?

How do you set boundaries and help without it seeming like you are always judging or policing everything that goes into their mouths? Without making them feel worse than they already do?

How do you set an example when you are so weak? When you’ve tried and failed more times than you can count? When you can’t see your own worth and you hide behind your fat suit and hold people at a distance?

I watched my dad battle these demons all of his life and I know now, he wasn’t judging me as my weight ballooned as I made poor choices and he saw my health declining. He felt just as inadequate to help me as I do now as a mom watching my children imitate me.

I’m failing, guys. I know it. I am stripped bare and exposed. And all I can do is admit I am failing and I need help.

Comments: 27 Comments Category: Decluttering, Family, Kids, Parenting Tags: daughters, decluttering, discipline, educate, fat, God, hurt, kids, lacking, mom fail, moms, overwhelmed, self image, stripped

Jesus is not a Republican and Other Stuff I Believe

We are the world changers. The visionaries. We are the strongest political movement ever known. We have no borders or bounds.

We seek to establish justice and ensure domestic tranquility through grace filled lives, serving hands, and faithful hearts.

We are the diplomats of grace. The people with hands made to serve and hearts made to heal and branch out.

We are the vine gatherers, grasping with grace at those who are lost.

We are the warrior raising women, moms of boys who will proclaim truth in the loving of their wives and the raising of their families and the way in which they walk, upright with heavy steps that bear much weight.

We are the bearers of beauty, daughters who will grow to know their place in God’s heart. Women with gentle spirits, contending in battle for wisdom, humility and purity. Wise as serpents but innocent as doves. The daughters of God who will bear a new generation of Kingdom changers.

We are the guardians of hearts and minds, pouring our grace words into spirit children and planting them deep in His fold.

We are the lovers of justice, providing nourishment to the poor, advocates for the defenseless, defenders of the weak.

We are the mighty archers, aiming arrows sharpened and ready at an enemy that is neither democrat or republican, pro-choice or liberal, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

We fight on our knees with hands raised to the heavens.

We fight with our hearts burdened by love for those who are lost.

We may cast our vote, we may carry our sign, stay informed, rally for the candidate we want to support, or speak our mind, but still we know where the ultimate ruler reigns. Because we have never really belonged here. We are expats for a season, in a world that is not our own.

We see with sharpened eyes, all’s grace. All is grace.

We know the cost. We have seen our passport stamped and paid for in blood. Citizens of grace.

We are the ambassadors of a new Kingdom.

While I was at Blissdom, I had the chance to meet with CafeMom correspondent Lindsay Ferrier to do an interview on where I stand as a Christian, homeschooling mom, and small business owner in the realm of politics, public opinion, and education.

It was lovely to meet with her and represent what I believe a lot of Christians feel. While many of us are involved deeply in politics and government, we should never forget that we are Christians first and foremost. Our witness to the world says more than the sign in our front yard.

Jesus is not a Republican. This world’s politics are too limiting for a Holy and infinite God. .I may ruffle some feathers, but there, I said it.

That being said, I am a writer, and talking on camera was a big leap out of my comfort zone and only slightly more traumatic than that dream where I showed up at a homeschool co-op in my underpants.

Besides accidentally going to the wrong lobby and missing the car to take me to the interview, having to run across the Gaylord Opryland Hotel which is ginormous, grabbing a taxi, and being late, I managed to babble a few coherent sentences on what I believe. Lyndsay was gracious and professional, and I couldn’t have asked for a better interviewer for this camera shy introvert. You can view it here.

What is your stance on politics as a Christian? What do you think our responsibility is to the world in regards to our government? Do you feel like secular culture views all Christians and angry, narrow-minded bigots? Or do you think society has a different view of Christians? What is your experience?