Family - Narrow Paths to Higher Places

Four Reasons Not to Praise Your Kids

He stood staring up at the sky.I half expected him to just plop down in the middle of left field and start picking grass.

A frenzy of boys scrambling for the ball moved steadily towards him. They were almost on top of him and I saw his gaze snap back to the game just in time to watch the ball rush by him as he stood motionless. A few seconds after the ball had glided by, he lumbered after it, but gave up as it was kicked swiftly into the goal by the opposite team.

My husband and I sighed and shook our heads in wonder.

This was supposed to be fun for him. But so far, he seemed out-of-place and awkward on the field. It didn’t help that all of his teammates went to the same school and already knew each other or that he was not as agile or fast as the other boys on his team.

We gathered up our chairs as each team member shook hands and my mom heart was hurting because I knew he must realize how poorly he played.

But he bounced happily up to us and proclaimed that their team was once again undefeated. True, the team hadn’t lost a game yet but that was mostly due to a few elite players that had played soccer for years.

I realized that he had no idea he was the worst player on the team.

He bragged on about their victory and we were both left a little confused with how to proceed. Do we say, “Yes son, you did great!” when in reality, he was barely in the game? Do we say, ” Maybe soccer is not your game,” or “You need to pay more attention next time or try harder,” or do we smile and nod as he goes on about how great they are?

After all, it is third grade community soccer, it’s supposed to be about fun and sportsmanship, right?

Ever wondered how those people end up on American Idol auditions singing so terribly off-key and being utterly shocked and hurt when they are told singing professionally is not their thing? Maybe their parents just smiled and nodded. Maybe they flattered them so as not to crush their dreams.

photo credit catsav

After all, isn’t it our job to build up their self-esteem? I would argue that flattery has an opposite effect.

1.) Flattery undermines ambition. When we tell our kids that they are naturally great at things, we are telling them that they don’t have to work hard to be good at it. They already are. We are actually minimizing the chance that they will ever be good at that thing because hard work and practice is the only way to truly get better.

2.) False praise diminishes trust. Eventually, the kids on the team are going to let him know that he’s not the best player and probably not in the kindest way. The coach will tell him he doesn’t have what it takes to make the team. The judge will say, “Your singing is rubbish,” and they will realize you weren’t telling them the truth all along.

3.) False praise doesn’t leave room for constructive criticism. We should speak into our children’s lives to help foster growth in all areas and when we offer flattery, we close the door to impart wisdom and direction. Criticism should always be motivated by the heart intent of building them up for their own good. We should never criticize out of our pride or to live vicariously through our children’s accomplishments.

4.) False praise breeds arrogance not confidence. Telling your child they are good at everything they do or try imparts the feeling that they can never fail or lose. If you always let your child win when you’re playing games it will be extra tough when they play someone who is not their mommy and lose. Learning to handle losing without letting it rock your self-image is as important to confidence as winning, if not more so.

Remembrance of negative things far surpass any complements we receive in our childhood so children need to be firmly rooted in lavish, abundant praise and acknowledgement of their worth and value as individuals regardless of their abilities.

This kind of praise can never be overdone. I believe we are all reflections of God’s image and we should accept our worth through Him. Likewise, any talents or abilities we do have are simply gifts He’s given us for His glory and we should nurture and acknowledge them, especially when we see them in our children.

What do you think about these issues? Do you always let your kids win? Do you think there’s a place when flattery is necessary? Do you feel it’s best to let kids discover their abilities on their own or do you encourage specific ones? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this subject.

Comments: 13 Comments Category: Family, Kids, Parenting Tags: five minute Fridays, kids, self image

What I Didn’t Write on Mother’s Day

I didn’t write on mother’s day. I didn’t write anything about my mom.

I didn’t write about all the things I love about her or the many ways she’s blessed me.

I didn’t tell her that she is the most faithful woman I know. She had to be, to put up with us kids and my dad.

I didn’t tell her that the prayers she prayed for me during the years when I was lost and angry and wandering were heard and answered. I didn’t tell her that her time in prayer and on her knees have shaken the heavens even though she seems timid and meek.

I didn’t tell her that my heart and world view will always be skewed because of her love for third world missions and the way she raised us to think and question and live out our convictions. I didn’t tell her that she taught me to love well and fully by humbly serving. I didn’t tell her that if we move to Africa some day, she’s coming with us, because if anyone can handle huge change and foreign soil it’s her.

I didn’t tell her that I still stink at laundry and she really should have been on me more in my teen years because I am such a lousy housekeeper now, but oh well, I’m learning. Not laundry, but other stuff, kind of.

I didn’t tell her that she is brave and fierce, even though she followed God’s call in so many areas from taking her babies to Nepal in the early eighties with $75 and no commitment for more support, to facing the terrifying reality her child may die, to losing her husband.

I didn’t tell her that since my dad’s death, her living with us is the biggest blessing, even if she still bossed me around sometimes or tells me to clean my room.

I didn’t tell her that I am a writer because I am a reader and that my love of books was born in the crook of her arm, nestled onto her lap while her melodic voice danced over me, creating worlds and imagery that would still stir me at 33 as I read them to my children.

I didn’t tell her that she has always had my back, from the times when the mean girls would leave me crying into my pillow, to the depressions that would follow the birthing of my babies, to the insecurities and fears that mock me.

I didn’t tell her that there is no one who knows me better or loves me more. I didn’t tell her that she is my BFF, my go to gal when I have a funny story, and the one who will tell it like it is when I need to be put in my place.

I didn’t tell her that she is the only one I will let in the dressing room with me when I am shopping for a swimsuit because she’s honest and everyone can use a good laugh now and again.

We don't always laugh, but when we do, we laugh like donkeys.

I didn’t tell her that she always gives the best gifts because she really listens and sees people.

I didn’t write any of that before mother’s day because I got to hang out with her ALONE, (meaning no kids), for the weekend and being with her is always better than sitting at my keyboard writing about her. And did I mention a weekend with no kids?

We got to hang out and lay around and read and go to Goodwill, garage sales, and the fabric store with no kids. Can you tell I don’t get out much?

Plus, she reads to me to fall asleep when my kindle is out of batteries. That’s dedication, plus I think she wanted me to go to sleep and stop yakking all night, but still.

That’s love.

To my mom: The woman I would pick as my best friend even if she weren’t my mom. I love you.

I linked up with 1000 Moms Project

Comments: 15 Comments Category: Family, Love Letters, Parenting Tags: daughters, friends, moms

Freezer Cooking 101

It’s 6:30 and I’m sure some evil time fairy has stolen the last few hours because I swear it was just 3:00pm a few minutes ago.

The stove is mysteriously devoid of any pots, cooking utensils, or yummy smells. A quick search of the fridge and cupboards produces one box of Annie’s mac and cheese, some eggs, pasta, white rice, and a bunch of things that should have been set out to defrost hours ago if we had wanted them for dinner.

The things that I had planned for dinner over a week ago are missing key ingredients because our plans changed and we went out to dinner on the night I was going to cook or decided to make something else and before we knew it the spinach was oozing slime in the stay fresh bag and the cheese had inexplicably disappeared. Possibly buried beneath foods that have passed their expiration dates and would only be beneficial for a science experiment.

By now the kids have sensed that there is no dinner forthcoming and are scrounging for snack food while I try to ward off the hungry masses with promises of… Cereal or PB&J’s.

This was the scene in our house all too often.

Enter freezer cooking, the key to being able to eat dinner as a family for the ~~lazy and disorganized~~, busy and free-spirited. The benefits far outweigh the work required upfront.

I don’t have to worry about what to cook at 6:30.
I don’t have to run to the grocery store with all 3 kids in tow because we are out of one ingredient needed for dinner that night.
I save time in shopping once a month and each subsequent shopping trip is only for staples.
We know at the start of the month, what our food budget will be.
In the battle to lose weight, having preplanned and cooked meals help to reduce impulse buying or eating out and choosing less healthy options.
We can enjoy more time doing other things in the evening instead of cooking, grocery shopping, or cleanup.
Cleanup is usually only one pan or one pot.
We still have a meal if I’m running late after a long day of home school, activities, or beautiful weather calling my name.
We have a premade freezer meal if we have surprise company, or need to drop food off for someone who is ill, had a baby, or is just in need of a blessing, without having to scramble to put something together.

So how does on who is, ahem, free-spirited and busy get it all together to cook over one month’s meals in one day?

I’ll tell you the secret. I go to the ancient fount of all that is wise and wonderful. Pinterest.

There are magnificent women who have forged ahead into unknown territory to try out, plan, and organize an entire month’s worth of recipes that can be batch cooked in one day, complete with shopping lists, recipes, and even labels. The have blazed a path for those who would come later, burnt out from cooking every day. Let’s all take a moment of silence to honor them.

Have I sold you yet? Maybe this will help, when you are looking into the depths of your fridge at 6:00pm after a long day of errands, work, or mothering, and just want to lay on the couch with that book you have been dying to get back to or the next episode of Once Upon A Time, but you can’t because you have to scrounge up something to feed your family, think, you could be eating by now if you’d spent those days freezer cooking.

But what about our special dietary needs?
What about eating whole foods? We don’t want hamburger helper or tater tot casserole, are there options for healthy non-processed recipes?
What can I freeze? How do you package or reheat things?
How can I still use our favorite family recipes and freezer cook?
What if I don’t have a deep freezer?
How can I still shop the ads or use coupons if I’m cooking a month in advance?
What if we only get paid once a week or bi-weekly? Can we still freezer cook?

Stay tuned this week as we journey together through the ins and outs of freezer cooking. I’ll be answering those questions as well as doing my best to address any questions you leave in the comments. I’ll also have some great resources and links from my favorite sources of freezer cooking wisdom for feeding my family.