It’s not the first time. We’ve been blessed by those around us. Why is it so much harder for me to open my hand and take it than to give it?
I wrote the post on being available to friendships this year. I wrote of my trouble with being vulnerable. Of showing weaknesses. Need.
It’s not easy for me. About two seconds after I hit post, I had second thoughts. D’oh. It’s out there. And then some people really did want to get together, and surprisingly I felt good, not overwhelmed. But getting together for coffee is a far cry from needing someones help.
I don’t often mention struggles, I don’t ask for help. I decline meals when we’re sick, I say we’re fine. I don’t accept help. I am a control freak of my own needs. When I had my c-sections my sister-in-law Sarah rallied. She is a master of coordinating for people’s needs. Meals were delivered, kids were watched. When I recently had complications from a surgery, she once again had a steady row of people dropping off meals. But I didn’t ask. She just did it. I never could just ask.
Maybe it’s the chance that even if I put my needs out there, they will still be unmet. Perhaps it’s looking too needy and it’s my own pride and self-sufficiency that doesn’t allow room for others to bless me. Maybe it’s that I feel unworthy of blessings. I often still carry the deep strongholds of legalism and self-reliance, volleying me back and forth but always just outside of the realm of grace where rest can come. Perhaps it’s the fact that when I am most in need my house looks like a postapocalyptic war zone and that’s the last thing I want people to see. Which is also about pride, when you really get down to it.
I think it’s a bit of them all. My one word for 2012 is stripped. God is faithful to do what is necessary.
God continues to put me in places where I am not sufficient. To be honest, I hate it. Currently, I am insufficient, suffering from a chest infection complicated by asthma. Do I need help? No, I’ve got it covered. Josh is helping, my mom is here. But then Judah got sick as well. Very sick. And Nehemiah started with a runny nose, my mom is going to be house sitting for the week, Josh is going back to work…. So, I relented. Someone offered again to bring a meal and I graciously accepted. I need it. And that’s ok. Or at least, I am coming to terms with it being ok. I am learning to be on the receiving end. I’m not just allowing God to bless me, I’m allowing God to use others to do it.