He stood staring up at the sky.I half expected him to just plop down in the middle of left field and start picking grass.
A frenzy of boys scrambling for the ball moved steadily towards him. They were almost on top of him and I saw his gaze snap back to the game just in time to watch the ball rush by him as he stood motionless. A few seconds after the ball had glided by, he lumbered after it, but gave up as it was kicked swiftly into the goal by the opposite team.
My husband and I sighed and shook our heads in wonder.
This was supposed to be fun for him. But so far, he seemed out-of-place and awkward on the field. It didn’t help that all of his teammates went to the same school and already knew each other or that he was not as agile or fast as the other boys on his team.
We gathered up our chairs as each team member shook hands and my mom heart was hurting because I knew he must realize how poorly he played.
But he bounced happily up to us and proclaimed that their team was once again undefeated. True, the team hadn’t lost a game yet but that was mostly due to a few elite players that had played soccer for years.
I realized that he had no idea he was the worst player on the team.
He bragged on about their victory and we were both left a little confused with how to proceed. Do we say, “Yes son, you did great!” when in reality, he was barely in the game? Do we say, ” Maybe soccer is not your game,” or “You need to pay more attention next time or try harder,” or do we smile and nod as he goes on about how great they are?
After all, it is third grade community soccer, it’s supposed to be about fun and sportsmanship, right?
Ever wondered how those people end up on American Idol auditions singing so terribly off-key and being utterly shocked and hurt when they are told singing professionally is not their thing? Maybe their parents just smiled and nodded. Maybe they flattered them so as not to crush their dreams.
photo credit catsav
After all, isn’t it our job to build up their self-esteem? I would argue that flattery has an opposite effect.
1.) Flattery undermines ambition. When we tell our kids that they are naturally great at things, we are telling them that they don’t have to work hard to be good at it. They already are. We are actually minimizing the chance that they will ever be good at that thing because hard work and practice is the only way to truly get better.
2.) False praise diminishes trust. Eventually, the kids on the team are going to let him know that he’s not the best player and probably not in the kindest way. The coach will tell him he doesn’t have what it takes to make the team. The judge will say, “Your singing is rubbish,” and they will realize you weren’t telling them the truth all along.
3.) False praise doesn’t leave room for constructive criticism. We should speak into our children’s lives to help foster growth in all areas and when we offer flattery, we close the door to impart wisdom and direction. Criticism should always be motivated by the heart intent of building them up for their own good. We should never criticize out of our pride or to live vicariously through our children’s accomplishments.
4.) False praise breeds arrogance not confidence. Telling your child they are good at everything they do or try imparts the feeling that they can never fail or lose. If you always let your child win when you’re playing games it will be extra tough when they play someone who is not their mommy and lose. Learning to handle losing without letting it rock your self-image is as important to confidence as winning, if not more so.
Remembrance of negative things far surpass any complements we receive in our childhood so children need to be firmly rooted in lavish, abundant praise and acknowledgement of their worth and value as individuals regardless of their abilities.
This kind of praise can never be overdone. I believe we are all reflections of God’s image and we should accept our worth through Him. Likewise, any talents or abilities we do have are simply gifts He’s given us for His glory and we should nurture and acknowledge them, especially when we see them in our children.
What do you think about these issues? Do you always let your kids win? Do you think there’s a place when flattery is necessary? Do you feel it’s best to let kids discover their abilities on their own or do you encourage specific ones? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this subject.
“Remembrance of negative things far surpass any complements we receive in our childhood so children need to be firmly rooted in lavish, abundant praise and acknowledgement of their worth and value as individuals regardless of their abilities.” That is so true. These are great thoughts and points here. I have felt a bit that way with my son and football. That was last fall and I can’t remember anything specific now. But, I wonder how that conversation went with your son?
Theresa, it went ok. We didn’t hit him with, “You’re not very good at soccer.” We just offered advice on practicing more to improve and we talked about the other team members contributions to the game and how he could pay better attention to help his team out more.
We also discussed how God humbles the proud and bragging (especially when it was so unmerited) doesn’t honor Him. We did discuss the things in which he does excel naturally and I’ve found those things tend to be the things he enjoys the most.
We have talked in depth with each of our children about talents and giftings and how God makes each of us with special abilities and some kids excel naturally at sports, art, academics, music, etc. and others have to work extra hard and may still not be as good and that’s ok. Being the best isn’t the goal for us. I believe in perseverance more than perfection. I truly believe that if he was passionate about soccer he could have put more effort into and even though he wouldn’t have been the best player, he might have done better. But really he didn’t enjoy team sports very much and I think that’s ok. We wanted him to try it out and he did. He found he prefers solitary sports like bike riding, swimming, snowboarding, and surfing because he is not naturally very competitive in sports and some of the team dynamic was too stressful for him.
Eek, I just realized I wrote you a whole post! Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.
What a coincidence you chose this topic today! I have been thinking about this for awhile. True self-esteem is nothing if it is built on the sand. Without a true and accurate assessment of our strengths and weaknesses, we are deceived. But with an understanding of our real strengths we can experience true confidence.
I looked up the meaning of esteem. One of the sources cites respect as a synonym. I think that is a product of the movement we have seen toward praising every disinterested effort on a child’s part. It isn’t respectful to praise anyone for a starved offering.
Another synonym was honor. Self-honor? I better examine myself before I impart another word to my children.
Maggie, I think you’re right. We try out a lot of things in our life and we are not naturally good at everything. Some things we want to excel at so we will dedicate our time and energy to achieving those goals, but there are also things that no matter what we do, we won’t achieve. I have come to realize that my worth is not based in any of my abilities but in God alone. However, in Christ, He has given me strengths and talents in specific areas and I am responsible to foster those for His glory.
And isn’t it so true we always need to examine ourselves first. Being a mama is hard.
Thanks for sharing Maggie, I always appreciate your thoughts here.
This is so timely for me. My son has lost his desire to do well in school recently. He is smart and bored with what our pulbic system doles out but I think that he thinks because he is smart he doesn’t need to work hard. I agree with everything you say here and it is a bit of walking tight rope isn’t it? We want to encourage but definitely not be untruthful or false in our praise. Nice to meet you today.
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Shelly, I was that kid in school. I could always just “do school.” It came so easily to me that I was constantly bored and in turn became exceedingly lazy doing my work. It is absolutely a tight rope as are a lot things in parenting. I think the balance comes from building a really firm foundation that they are accepted, special, and loved simply because God created them with infinite and intrinsic value. Helping them to see the special ways God has made them and the areas where He really shines in them goes a long way towards building confidence in the areas where they may be weaker or less talented. Nice to meet you also. I’m so glad I linked up after you, it was fun reading your post.
My mom never “let” us win. When we did we had a true sense of accomplishment. Thankfully I had encouraging parents who were also there when I didn’t make the basketball team and helped me move forward and find other areas to excel in. I learned more in my failures than my successes
Virginia recently posted..Guilty Mommy ~ by Sarah Crisp
We never let Judah win purposefully and he’s always been really gracious when he loses. With Kaia, I often let her win because she was so cute when she tried and she would cry and feel bad about herself when she lost.. But it wasn’t long before I realized she was terrible when she lost to Judah and would break down in tears. I realized I wasn’t doing her any favors letting her win. She needed to be confident regardless of winning or losing and learn to play nice and not take losing personally. She’s much better now and also much more confident because she knows her worth isn’t tied up in the results. I have to remind myself that sometimes with blogging.
I totally agree! I do praise my kids, but when I do I make sure I am very specific…I.e. not “you played great!”, but “I saw you trying to pass the ball.” But only if it is completely true. I really believe that kids will quickly learn not to believe you if you over-praise.
Have you read NurtureShock? He has an entire chapter on too much praise. I just finished it and will be reviewing it next week.
Such a well-written post. Thanks.
Johanna, I have not read that. It sounds really interesting. I can’t wait to read your review on it. I’ll have to check it out.
We try to fill our kids’ ears with positive thoughts, but not false praise. If they try and fail, I’ll tell them, “good try” and we’ll help them get better. We try to encourage them, while still teaching them that God made us all different and we all have different passions and talents and that’s okay.
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So true, Crystal. I think we should encourage their effort when they’re really trying. I just know that some of the time there is no real effort put in and they are still expecting praise. Or they are using the fact that they aren’t naturally good at something to avoid doing it or making excuses for their poor effort. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this.
This is something I wrestle with too. I read an article years ago about the problem with too much praise, and it was fascinating. There was a study done where they took different groups of kids and had them take a test of some sort. Then they praise them differently, applauding one group based on their results, and the other group just on their effort. When they were re-tested, the group who were praised on results performed more poorly and the ones praised for their effort actually did better. The author talked a lot about how the idea of praising kids – even praising them a lot – isn’t wrong. It’s the way we praise them that’s the issue.
Since then, Mark and I have tried to focus on how we encourage our kids. When Maya draws a picture, rather than saying things like, “You’re such a fantastic artist!”, we’ll try to say things like, “Wow, you worked so hard on that! I love how you used so many colors. ” Or after a ballet recital, we’ll focus on the hard work and dedication over performance. I think with Maya that’s been really important, because she’s such a perfectionist, and when we give her the freedom to not perform perfectly, but to do her very best, she’s easier on herself as well. (Although I still screw up from time to time and tell her something is “Perfect!” I’ve discovered that’s a word I over-use. Ugh!)
Great topic!
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Laura, that is so interesting but I could totally see how that could and obviously does affect performance. And yes, it’s all in the way we do it isn’t it? We’ve struggled with this with Kaia because she is so sensitive. We want to encourage specifics also, but sometimes she’s so darned cute I tell her everything is perfect as well. And we’ve struggle with Judah in a totally different way, because he’d brag about how everything he does is fine, (he has no perfectionist bone in his body) even when it was terrible and he put no effort in.
Hey, this mom stuff is hard.
Great post. THis is something I’ve been thinking about lately too, so I’m glad to see your thoughts on it!
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Thanks Janice.
Alia,
I really noticed this about Americans when I first moved here. I had never heard the words ” YOU hurt my feelings” before coming here. Kids seemed to be overly sensitive and easily offended.( So were the parents)! The praise (and boasting ) from parents was lavish. I was amazed.
In Australia, we were brought up with the “tall poppy” syndrome. As soon as one poppy got too tall and stood out in the crowd, he was cut down quick smart, so he didn’t get too full of himself!!
So we tend to go in the other direction! I learned I needed to do better at the praising part. But I needed to find the balance……!!!
I also noticed as the kids got older here, they tended to have an over inflated view of who they were and what they were going to do – even while still living with (and off) their parents in their 20′s.The talk was big but the action seemed to be lacking. Many wouldn’t take just “any” job ( nor would some parents let them!!! “My daughter isn’t going to be a cleaner to make money while she goes to school”) . Infact, many parents said their child shouldn’t work while in college – I had never heard of that. All kids worked and went to college when I was growing up – except for the very wealthy ( could be changing now, though, as we take on American ways). Most kids I knew had a part-time job when they were teenagers – at least by high school.
And kids seemed to be paid for everything here. Big allowances given to them young. Even in church, kids here were paid for looking after young ones for Bible studies or women’s get-togethers – even Sunday school!!!
Everything seemed to revolve around money or food! (Every church gathering of any sort, even a short time, had to have food of some sort – kids couldn’t make it through a morning service even, without a snack).
The biggest eye opener of this giving- kids- a- false- impression- of- where- they -are- at, played out here when my oldest went to the local community college. When the kids were working out which classes they qualified to take after doing their entrance exam, many kids were shocked when they were told they had to remedial classes before they could do the college level classes. I heard them saying ” but I was in Honors class in English in High School – how could I not even PASS the college entrance exam”?
It was then I realised they’d been lied to in their education and how wrong that was for these poor kids who had no idea of their REAL education level.
The never ending dilemma of finding the balance. I love the idea of praising the effort, Laura ( above) said. That’s what it’s all about. Did we do it to the best of our ability? And with a right heart attitude? Hard, but so worth the character it builds.
God gave each of us the children we have, because he created them specifically for us – we were the best parents for that particular child for reasons only known to Him! That’s why I didn’t get my sister’s kids and she didn’t get mine. Or my friend’s.
If I allow HIm to give me His wisdom as I walk out this journey as a parent, ready to hear His conviction and direction – to “train up a child in the way he should go”- in spite of all my weaknesses and failings, then I will have done my part. And the rest is up to Him!
Now if I can only trust Him on that one!!
I love your musings. You’re so honest – it’s very refreshing.
Thanks. Wow, that’s really interesting about how different Australia is/was in that respect. I know Asian culture is quite different and while I am in no way a Tiger mom, I do think there is something to be said about hard work and not lavishing false praise. I saw a documentary that showed educational levels in America dropping in comparison to other countries but our children tested the highest for “confidence.” Ummm, somethings not quite connecting there. We have overly confident ignorant children if all they receive is constant praise, that is not earned. I don’t believe in perfection but I absolutely believe in teaching them the purpose in doing things well to the best of their ability.
I love the perspective from another country. I think your observations are right on!
Denise J. Hughes recently posted..Finding the Secret Garden
For our kids we do encourage them in activities that we think they may be good in. For instance my son is good with his feet, but can’t stand using his hands for much of anything (so we put him in soccer) he seems to like it so far. Our daughter is a “drama queen” so we are going for acting class. We encourage them to do their best and as their parents we (usually) have a pretty good idea of when they are doing their best or when they are slacking.
I agree with you. I don’t think it does our kids much good to tell them that they are great at something when in fact they are not. However we try not to dwell on the things that they aren’t so good in. My son did do just a few days of football (which he wasn’t very good at and he really didn’t like) after he finished his time we allowed him to stop playing.
We really do have to be mindful that kids are people that have their own opinions and interests and we have to honor that in them. Encouraging them to do the best they can in the thing they love most is my job has their parent.
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Absolutely. It is so important how we encourage them and it’s wonderful that you see the gifts each child has and encourage them in those as well as teaching them to do their best in other areas.
This was excellent and so true. I always tell my kids, “You can trust what I say.” I am the mom to try and “word it well” but to always tell the truth. Maybe being a gymnastics coach helped? I was always having to find ways to tell gymnasts what was wrong and how to improve and what was good. We had to be so specific so they could get better.
Brooke. I bet it helped a lot. I think when you are dealing with any kind of competition and you are in charge of helping them compete, you have to learn to bring out the best in them while addressing their mistakes. Good coaches can inspire their athletes to work hard because they have not arrived so to speak while encouraging them in the whole process. No wonder you are so good at teaching, coach.
“…being with her is always better than sitting at my keyboard writing about her.”
This is my absolutely favorite “mom-post” I’ve read. Loved it! How blessed you are to have a mom like you do! (And I love going to fabric stores too.)
Denise J. Hughes recently posted..Finding the Secret Garden
Oops. This comment was meant for the Mother’s Day post.
Denise J. Hughes recently posted..Finding the Secret Garden
Thanks Denise. I am blessed. And aren’t fabric stores a teeny bit of heaven? Especially without 3 kids in tow, so I can just wander. I could spend forever thinking up projects.
Well stated. I have always figured that honesty is best…even when it is not fun to deliver. The key is that it is always bathed in love and tenderness. This is especially hard with my youngest who wants nothing more in life than to please me. Even telling her she needs to vacuum a spot in her room again because she missed a patch could deflate her completely. Hoping that loving correction will help to strengthen her in that area.